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For many people the signs that a relationship is over or a least in big trouble have been hanging around for some time and to some degree the emotional disconnect if not physical distance doesn’t make the process that has to be completed any easier.
However for the women who just didn’t see it coming and would describe the relationship as great, compatible, happy and still enjoying a great sex life, are absolutely shaken to the very core especially when they discover that there has been another women behind the scenes for quite some time.
Regardless of the circumstances the first two to three years particularly when there are kids involved can be extremely difficult. Your lives are so deeply intertwined and to begin to unravel and separate from each other is a challenge.
For the first 3-6 months of separation and up to 12 months or more there are so many issues that just have to be dealt with to bring things to some sort of conclusion.
There will be countless moments and weeks of feeling overwhelmed with so many emotions ranging from betrayal, anger, rage, confusion, hurt, resentment, despair, fear you name it and I can guarantee that many people will be moving from one thing to the next and then recycling. The tears will come, sometimes for days at a time and sometimes at the most ‘inappropriate times.’
In the middle of all of this there are major life changing decisions to be made when we are probably in our least resourceful state to be even deciding what to wear and what to eat.
Who’s moving out, who is keeping the cat or dog, the record collection, the photos, worrying about the financial side of things, how to tell your family and friends, having some family and friends cutting themselves off from you, and if you have kids – well how do we make this work so that the impact on the kids is kept to a minimum.
It is a traumatic and confusing time.
There are things you can do to help you throughout this process.
Pull together a breakup support team.
- Seek professional help as soon as possible to know where you stand legally and financially. The better informed you are the better decisions you will make with money, property settlement and knowing your legal rights
- Seek out a trusted friend who will support you emotionally without buying into the situation
- Seek out a counsellor or divorce coach who will give you the tools and resources to move through the process much more quickly. Help you create a clear plan of action for moving forward and be on call for those times when you hit the wall to get you back on track quickly
- Get a kids coach to help them be able to express their fears and concerns
- Self-care is critical to your wellbeing. Get active, walking, hitting the gym, yoga, having a massage, or healing work. This is a time for you to make you and your emotional and physical wellbeing your top priority.
- Be careful with any making any major life decisions until you are really ready to do so.
- Remember that your relationship with your partner might be ending but their relationship with your kids is not. Work together to make this as beneficial as possible for all concerned. How you both manage sharing this responsibility will impact your children in some way, make it as amicable as you possibly can
REBUILDING YOUR LIFE
Everything in life has a season, it’s a law of nature.
Much like a tree that has now withered and died it’s time to let go of the old life so we can allow the new life to enter.
Rebuilding our lives after separation is a gradual process as we find ourselves cut adrift from what was familiar.
Some people naturally handle change more easily than others and for those relationships that have been 15- 20 years long it can be a struggle to find yourself outside of the relationship.
Moving on is not a one size fits all process and people will move through this at their own pace. It is however a much easier transition for the women who decide to take some control and get on with their lives, no matter how hard that may be, and those who choose to hang on to the past, unable to face an unknown future are often divorcing themselves from life. Little realising that an unknown future is essentially what everyone is moving into, we might have plans and goals we are working towards, but life can and does change in an instant.
We can choose to use this life-changing event as a positive situation to discover more about ourselves than we may ever have done within the relationship. Renew interests that have been lost along the way! Create a new circle of friends, new experiences, learn new skills, and even take belly dancing classes.
There is so much joy to be had when we not only embrace change, but we grab it by the neck and give it a bloody good shake.
When you are beginning to settle into living life more on your terms it will be the simple things that have new meaning, add real value to your life and life is good.
To read more blogs I have written on this topic pop on over to visit my website www.divorcedwomensclub.com.au/blogs
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With love and gratitude
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