IT’S TIME TO CUT THE TIES WITH YOUR EX?

You know the relationship is done and dusted and yet you find yourself in a state of constant struggle with your heart telling you one thing and your head saying something else?

If this sounds like you then you are not on your own.  We can know that we are much better off without them and yet we still really struggle to just cut the ties completely and get on with our lives.

Let’s explore just a few of the reasons why is it that some people keep going back to their ex and of course there is never just one simple answer to a question like this.

At very basic level it can be a raw and calculated decision to survive, have a roof over your head and food on the table for your kids. As a mother I get this! The facts are it is tough starting again on your own. It’s freaking scary and it’s a long and lonely ride and if you are a woman who hasn’t learned how to be on your own or have a strong support network around you it can often be so much harder.

When one or both parties call an end to a relationship for whatever reason, it is rarely a simple matter of packing your bags and exiting forever from their lives. Your lives are already so deeply intertwined on so many different levels, more so if you have been together for a number of years, have kids and a great social network.  All of these things make it much harder and it can and does takes time.

It’s pretty normal for a lot of people who have reached the point in a relationship whether it’s the constant fighting and arguing, the lying and cheating, or perhaps emotionally and physically disconnected, whatever the reason, your dreams and hopes for a life together have been shattered.

Once you have moved out and you are free from all the tension and drama it’s pretty normal to start thinking about all the good times you had together, how much you loved you each other, how good it felt to wake up in the morning together, the long deep conversations you enjoyed so much, the places you went together, the friends you hung out with. And the more time you spend focusing on on these the more your body will give you all those lovely warm feelings that go with it and before you know it you have mentally wiped the slate clean.

And so the cycle begins and often repeats over and over again so that you find yourself ‘stuck’ in the middle of nowhere with your well meaning friends and family telling you get over it and get on with your life. Easier said then done!

Plenty of women fall out of love on their own. It is something that happens over time and they simply reach that threshold, as Stephen Covey puts it, ‘when the emotional bank account is empty’.

And sometimes there are some people who need a little help to learn how to fall out of love. 

There are several things you can do to help yourself and most of it requires discipline and self control to stop picking up the phone, or sending a message but if you are ready to get on with your life and regain your personal freedom these simple steps will help you train your brain to do the work for you.

As you think about this person, just notice the image that comes to mind and as you do remember all times they treated you badly, cheated on you, lied to you, ignored you, the fights and arguments everything little thing about this person that absolutely irritated you and hurt you so very deeply and imagine yourself standing there beside them looking at them and notice how you feel. Then run this movie in your mind, over and over and over.

Now think about something else that is really disgusting to you, notice how you are feeling and then as you think about your ex associate all of these feelings with them. Again just keep running this movie over and over in your mind.

Then take yourself on a little journey into your new wonderful future that you have created for yourself.  Perhaps you have a wonderful man by your side, or you are surrounded by friends laughing and having a great time, out sailing on a yacht perhaps, allow your imagination to run wild as you create this new life, this new future in your imagination and notice how amazing you feel, how light, happy and joyful you feel now.

We all have the ability to redirect our thoughts and decide what memories to associate with different situations. Most of us don’t realise that manipulating our thoughts deliberately, is what is called thinking

Share your thoughts, comments, or personal story via email jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

About Jenny Smith

Jenny Smith has written 81 post in this blog.

Jenny is an absolute advocate and champion for women rediscovering themselves through the process of divorce.

She is the creator of the Divorced Women's Club www.divorcedwomensclub.com.au and Co-creator of Separation Made Easy www.separationmadeeasy.com. She delivers bespoke programs for women through her coaching services, writing, on-line programs and the Divorced Women's Club Members Lounge, a safe and private community for women to connect, share and support each other.

Jenny Smith

Jenny is an absolute advocate and champion for women rediscovering themselves through the process of divorce. She is the creator of the Divorced Women's Club www.divorcedwomensclub.com.au and Co-creator of Separation Made Easy www.separationmadeeasy.com. She delivers bespoke programs for women through her coaching services, writing, on-line programs and the Divorced Women's Club Members Lounge, a safe and private community for women to connect, share and support each other.

3 thoughts on “IT’S TIME TO CUT THE TIES WITH YOUR EX?

  1. Alana Roy says:

    It has been 8+ years now since he told me one morning “I think we should sell he house and go our separate ways”. There was no one else. He remarried as soon as the divorce was through. I can’t shake the feeling of losing my family. How it should still be together. How do you go from looking after three other people every day, doing everything for everyone all day, to a life of being alone or feeling like you’re all alone. Depression is probably stopping me from going forward but what should I be saying to myself? We never had all those bad times.

  2. Alison says:

    This post resonates very deeply with me. I’m relieved it is not just me who feels this way. So many of my friends just expected me to forget him and move on but It took me five years to finally let go of my ex. I wrote all the things he did to hurt me in a journal and when I was wavering I would re-read it and remind myself just how badly I felt when he was around.

  3. Renate says:

    You hit the nail on the head Jenny !! We so often only think of the good times we had , forgetting all the pain !! We need to count our blessings we gave now !! Peace and joy because we are strong and there is just no turning back ever again !! We have tried it o er and over again and it failed and failed each time !! It’s not worth it ever to look back but we need to focus forward all the time with anticipation trusting God for everything !

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