FINANCIAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

I stumbled across this article by David Koch and I feel strongly that it is such an important discussion and needs to be shared. 

Sadly what David speaks about in this article is far too common either because one party has placed all their trust in the other partner to manage the finances or as in this article the actions of a partner are clearly financial abuse.  

I have also spoken to several women who 1. had no money of their own and I recall one lady telling me she didn’t have access to any of their accounts or credit card and had to call her husband so he could give a salesperson the credit card details to pay for her purchases or were unaware of the debt the other party had accumulated which is often termed as Sexually Transmitted Debt.

Financial abuse in any family or relationship is a powerful and dangerous form of intimidation which is a lot more common in Australia than you think… not just celebrity divorces.

What makes financial abuse even more insidious is that the abuser often justifies their actions as caring.

But the bottom line is that financial abuse can leave the weaker partner extraordinarily exposed.

This sort of abuse often takes the form of a partner in a relationship, or a parent over a child, or an adult child over an elderly parent where the abuser completely controls the finances of the other person and refuses to share any of that responsibility or information.

Financial abuse could be;

. having sole access to bank and online accounts.

. controlling PIN codes

. taking out joint loans without a partner’s consent

. restricting access to insurance, superannuation and estate planning documents.

. limiting access to cash and credit cards

. making investment decisions without consultation

. asking a person to sign financial documents without explaining what they are.

We’re not talking about situations where a couple has agreed one partner takes primary responsibility for running the finances but is always happy to keep the other partner informed.

A financial abuser is a partner which has insisted on controlling the finances, is secretive about what they’re doing and will not share information.

To test which sort of partner you have simply ask for them to explain the state of your finances, provide access to all accounts and show where insurance and investment documents are kept.

If they refuse, you need to worry.

If they say, “you don’t need to worry about it, I have it all under control”. You should worry.

Explain that you’re concerned if they drop dead you’d have no idea where anything was and that is just too risky and you’re feeling vulnerable.

If they refuse after that, you’re in real strife and must do something about it. Your partner either has something to hide or they have such a controlling personality it will put you at risk in the future.

What if your partner does die… or leaves you?

We had friends where the husband walked out of a marriage and left his wife with the comment “you be nice to me or you won’t get a cent”. They owned a family business but she had no idea where they banked, what they earned, investments, insurances, estate planning… nothing.

We put a team of professionals together to help her and she ended up okay. But she should never have been in that position.

Sexually Transmitted Debt is just one of many risks. It’s where one partner in a relationship is lumbered with the debts of the other. You’d be amazed just how common this problem is.

One partner will rack up debts on the joint credit card, refuse to pay or skip out and the other partner is left with the responsibility of paying the whole debt. Joint cards or loans don’t mean you’re responsible for your half. It means both people are responsible for the whole debt if the other can’t pay.

Here are some steps to protect yourself from financial abuse;

  • Base financial decisions on economics, not emotions. If you trust each other then there is no problem with formalising that trust by keeping each other informed about financial decisions.
  • Don’t dismiss it. Read it. When you have to sign papers it is better to be one day late than to lose everything in five years time just because you were too busy to read the small print.
  • Going guarantor: If the bank does not have confidence in the principal applicant, why should you? Remember, when you sign as guarantor, you are indicating you are prepared to take over the debt if the borrower defaults.
  • Know where the money is coming from and where it is going..
  • If you have a joint account with your spouse, make sure the bank does not allow payments above a certain amount unless there is joint agreement.
  • Look carefully at how you buy assets… single names, joint names, their name, your name? It could all be extremely relevant for both tax purposes and if the relationship splits.
  • If you are a director of a family company you have a right to see the books. Insist on the accountant showing them to you. If stopped from doing so, you can take action under the Companies Code.
  • Agree on a financial plan. This way both partners have common goals and know where they are heading.

In our relationship, Libby has always run the day-to-day finances and I’ve run the investments. But each of us has full access to everything and make big financial decisions jointly.

If you would love to have a quick chat with Jenny about anything, even your favourite wine, click here to arrange a time

About Jenny Smith

Jenny Smith has written 81 post in this blog.

Jenny is an absolute advocate and champion for women rediscovering themselves through the process of divorce.

She is the creator of the Divorced Women's Club www.divorcedwomensclub.com.au and Co-creator of Separation Made Easy www.separationmadeeasy.com. She delivers bespoke programs for women through her coaching services, writing, on-line programs and the Divorced Women's Club Members Lounge, a safe and private community for women to connect, share and support each other.

Jenny Smith

Jenny is an absolute advocate and champion for women rediscovering themselves through the process of divorce. She is the creator of the Divorced Women's Club www.divorcedwomensclub.com.au and Co-creator of Separation Made Easy www.separationmadeeasy.com. She delivers bespoke programs for women through her coaching services, writing, on-line programs and the Divorced Women's Club Members Lounge, a safe and private community for women to connect, share and support each other.