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The past few weeks have left me feeling completely emotionally and physically drained.
Apart from my family and friends, the two most important things in my life are my work and my relationship.
Both of these two things have thrown me into turmoil and I have hit what felt like ‘rock bottom’ as I started running my usual pattern of dealing with problems and challenges.
I have virtually withdrawn from the world as I internalise and process what to do about where I find myself.
I have shed tears at night, tears of frustration, tears of sadness and tears of loss, and moments of doubt about my ability to help anyone.
This very intensely private part of Jenny Smith is opening up to you all. I felt compelled to come clean about myself.
Some of you may know that I was married at 19, my parents were separating at the time and my dad stayed until after my wedding when he left with his ‘lady friend.’ He left my mum with no money, no job and nowhere to go other than pack up what belongings she had and leave with my bother and sister to move back to her home town to be with where her brother and sisters lived, 1000’s miles away.
This was a particularly difficult time for everyone as all of our lives had been turned upside down.
Over the next few years I had to grow up very quickly. There were aspects of my marriage that were so far removed from my fantasy of ‘happily ever after,’ and I spent years too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on or ask for help. I lived with fear and anxiety and a constant knot in my stomach. I shut down emotionally, I built a solid brick wall all around me to keep me safe from the world around me. I put on a different face to world and many people believed I had everything a women could possibly ever want.
I am a great mum, I love my kids and my grandkids, they were and are my world.
Over time things became a whole lot better, we both grew up and created a better relationship but there was always a part of me that had died in those early years and she never fully resurfaced.
Fast forward many years.
I created a new life for myself, I discovered my passion, my purpose and the gifts I have been given to me to share with the world – for this I am so very grateful. I don’t have the words to describe how this makes me feel, I do however have a burning desire to help other women discover and share their gifts because together we can make this world a better place and we need women to fully step into their power now more than any other time in history.
There have been plenty of challenging times over the years, and also some wonderful experiences including – a relationship that taught me so much about love and intimacy that I will hold dear to my heart forever, a hiatus of about 5 or 6 years learning to be totally a peace with discovering more about who I am, being on my own and living in one of the most perfect places in the world to heal and grow.
Throughout all of the challenges and road bumps I have encountered there has been this underlying theme or pattern consistent with ‘how I do things’. The underlying belief behind this has been a belief that the only person I can really ever trust is me. I don’t reach out to the people who know me and love me to share what goes on in my world in those moments when I hit ‘rock bottom.’ And I have the most amazing friends, many who are also incredibly skilled coaches and change workers who would do anything for me, if only I asked for help.
As a result of all this self-absorption and self-reflection over the past couple of weeks I received a message loud and clear.
I woke up early yesterday morning to hear these words. “If you don’t reach out to ask for help how do you expect all of these women, these women who are themselves emotionally and physically drained, who are trying to make sense of their world being torn apart, to come to you, to reach out to you, to ask you to share the gifts we have given you.
Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me, email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
With love and gratitude
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