EMBRACING SEX AND SEXINESS IN YOUR LIFE

Before I start talking about embracing sex and sexiness in your life, these are two quite distinct words with very different meanings.

There are so many words used to describe the ‘doing’ part of sex. Sexual activity, sexual intercourse, lovemaking, bonking, nooky, quickie, screwing, and I’m only scratching the surface here.

As I did a little bit of research on what the word sexiness means it became apparent that sexiness is in the eye of the beholder and by that I mean it depends on people’s different views of what ‘sexiness’ means to them, what it looks like and how people exude ‘sexiness’.

Most of the images on the internet of women who fall into the ‘sexy’ category are of buffed women in bikinis overtly strutting their ‘stuff.’

For me it is more about the qualities and traits of a person and how they care for themselves. A particular inner and outer strength, how they carry and present themselves, their smile, a twinkle in the eye, and all summed up as a quiet confidence which is a natural expression of ability and self-respect. This applies equally for both men and women for me.

For women of all ages who have felt rejected by a partner and particularly if that rejection involves another women it will feel like a death of a thousand cuts. Women have a tendency to compare themselves with this other woman and their self-worth and self-esteem takes a nosedive. For many it can become an obsession, at least initially, to find out who she is, what she looks likes, what she does and she becomes the enemy, someone they can blame for the pain they are experiencing and direct their anger towards.

Separation and divorce shatters many women’s beliefs about themselves particularly around their ability to attract another partner. I have used the word attract because I want to come back to my definition of sexiness and ask the question, ‘what can women do to redefine sexiness’ after betrayal and loss?

If you agree with my definition of sexiness being a particular inner and outer strength and a quiet confidence how do women rekindle the flame within themselves that may have waned over time, or been completed snuffed out in a previous relationship.

We all have different coping strategies under difficult circumstances and underlying these coping strategies people who have been hurt will be asking themselves ‘what can I do to feel better about myself?’ or ‘how can I withdraw from the world because I am not enough?’ Whichever path they choose will of course produce very different outcomes.

There is a distinctly different mindset with these women. The pain and the hurt is no different, the grieving and sense of loss is no different, the struggle to build a new life is no different, whether they have financial resources or not is irrelevant, the only difference is that who they are is not defined by someone else or by what ‘happened to them’.

Here are some of the ways my clients have taken steps to turn their lives around which also developed a newfound confidence and strength that exuded ‘sexiness.’

  • Gone through their underwear drawers and thrown out every bra, every pair of knickers and personal items and hit the shops to buy all new very sexy items to replace the old with the new. Always a massive mood lifter and awesome cleansing process
  • Joined a gym, a walking group, a pilates class or yoga any physical activities that gets the body pumping and provides so many amazing feel good benefits.
  • Decided to embrace a completely new hair style
  • Started studying a subject that has always been of interest
  • Spending time with people who inspire and uplift them just by being in their presence
  • Going deeper into aspects of themselves, including spirituality and pursuing their gifts and talents
  • Creating and ticking off a list of things they always wanted to do

These women decide to use divorce as a catalyst to transform themselves and their lives and no longer be defined by someone else’s ideal of who they are and that my friends falls into my definition of ‘sexiness.’

If you would like to chat to Jenny about anything at all, even your favourite wine click here to schedule a time https://calendly.com/jenny-smith-1/what-s-going-on-in-your-world

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR PARTNER IS NAMED ON ASHLEY MADISON

Before I address the question, what do you do if your partner is named on Ashley Madison, or any other website hack for that matter, I have to say that once again the media has shown it’s very ugly side. Completely disrespecting peoples privacy with little or absolutely no regard for the hundreds if not thousands of men, women and children who will have their lives turned upside down because of the way this whole situation has been managed.

As part of my research for writing this blog I did listen to the radio interview of the woman who volunteered to find out if her husband was on the list as he was acting ‘funny’ about the news of the hack. My guess is that her own intuition had been alerting her to ‘something’ beforehand as well and she willingly volunteered her husbands’ details to these radio jocks. They searched for his name and told her ‘yes’ he was on this site. She left herself wide open to hear the worst thing that any women would ever want to hear, let alone so publicly. Private information that was stolen by criminals used to contribute to destroying the lives and relationships of so many people by thoughtless, ignorant pieces of shit! And yes, people willing gave their personal information to an obviously risqué site with obviously no thought of the possible consequences.

I’m not going to be all ‘fluffly’ about how you might be able to work through this, or everyone makes mistakes and deserves another chance and some such crap because as I try to imagine myself in this situation I see it as a very different experience from someone’s husband who becomes infatuated with a younger woman in the office or at the gym or number of other reasons that infidelity results in the end of a relationship.

If anyone reading this blog has found themselves caught up in this whole nightmare, or knows someone who has, here are a few of my thoughts on how to handle this as best you can.

  • Only speak to the people closest to you who you know you can trust.
  • Don’t take any calls from other family and friends for several weeks and never from the media. The gossipmongers will be out in force and happily feed you more and more drama.
  • Call a ‘timeout’ with your partner, perhaps a week or two, for you to recover from the shock and anger that will be raging through your veins.
  • You will be asking yourself all sorts of questions that start with ‘Why,’ and you will be feeling ashamed and embarrassed to seen in public by your friends and family.
  • Then it comes time to sit down with your partner and get the facts on exactly what has and has not taken place, leaving no room for further lies or deceit from them. The game is up anyway so they have nothing to lose and potentially everything to gain by being honest and forthcoming by providing you with as much information as you need.

Your particular situation and what happens next will of course be decided by one or both or you and no-one else, only you can ever know what is right for you and for your family.

This is going to be one hell of a journey so please ensure that you have only the very best people around you. People who will help you maintain your equilibrium and will always have your best interests a heart.

Share your comments or personal story I would love to hear from you.

The best way to reach me is via email: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

SIGN UP NOW TO RECEIVE MY COMPLIMENTARY EBOOK – 6 STEPS TO GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK

EXPERT AS SEEN ON SOUL.TV

Soul TV expert badge

View the Soul.TV episodes subscribe here: http://www.soultv.com.au/?ref=19

WHEN DO YOU DATE AGAIN AFTER SEPARATION & DIVORCE?

First, let’s get clear about what dating is!

There seems to be a whole new meaning given to this word these days and I think it’s important that women really get what this word means because unrealistic expectations may lead to feelings of inadequacy and battered and bruised feelings around their self-worth.

Here is one definition of ‘dating.’

Dating is a form of human courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse.

However, not everyone will agree with this definition and there are many variations of what dating means to each individual, online dating has added another level of complexity to the whole dating scene and ‘how to do dating.’

Back to the question, when do you date again after separation and divorce?

Certainly never within in first three to six months even up to a year after separation! Many women feel the need to seek validation that they are attractive, desirable and lovable to other men particularly if they have the view that their previous partner rejected them. They wanted out of the relationship without being able to explain why or perhaps they left for someone younger, older, smarter, more interesting, more attractive or even less attractive.

I strongly believe that if you head straight into another relationship before you spend time learning to be by yourself, exploring who you really are and what you want outside of a relationship how can you ever expect to confidently get to know someone else in just a few months of dating when your emotions will be overriding logic and common sense.

Some men can pick a desperate woman a mile off and see them as easy prey and this can include the husbands of your best friends. Just saying! That’s not meant to be a slur at all men, it’s the way they are wired! One of the biggest drivers for many of them will be SEX, for others it is companionship that does not include living together or marriage and for some it is about finding someone they would want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Before venturing into the world of dating be very clear about where you stand on this and assess the importance you place on being in a relationship. Only you can truly know yourself.

When you feel ready don’t look at every date as, is this the one? Relax and enjoy it for what it is, an opportunity to meet someone who you will click with or never want to see again.

If it works it works, if not then move on.

“It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.” – Lucille Ball

Rather then focus on some dating tips in this article here instead are some powerful questions I share with my clients to help them begin to answer the question ‘who am I?’ Answer these over a few days or a few weeks. The important thing is that you spend time delving a little deeper with each question.

Buy yourself a journal and call it My Best Life!

Write each question on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall in front of you. Relax, breathe deeply and allow extended exhalations.   Sit with your question and when your mind starts to wander, bring it back by reading the question again, out loud.

Start writing quickly, don’t worry about grammar, spelling or censoring what you have written.  Just go with the flow!

  • When am most naturally myself?
  • What people, places and activities allow me to feel most fully myself?
  • What is one thing I could stop doing, or start doing, or do differently, starting today that would most improve my quality of life?
  • What is the #1 biggest change I could make, or goal I could achieve or problem I could solve that would have the biggest positive influence in my life. (As you think about the answer to this question, is this where you should be putting most of your energy, focus and intention?)
  • What have been my greatest moments of joy and fulfillment in life?
  • What are the greatest sources of joy in my career?
  • What activities do I absolutely love in my personal life?
  • Who are my most inspiring role models?
  • How can I best be of service to others?
  • What is my hearts deepest desire?
  • How am I perceived, by my closest friend, my worst enemy, my children, or my ex?
  • What are the blessings of my life?
  • What are my greatest talents and natural abilities?
  • What’s the single most important thing I would like to accomplish in my career?
  • What’s the ONE most important thing I’d like to achieve in my life?
  • What legacy would I like to leave?
  • What is the relationship between all of the answers to these questions?

Keep these questions and your answers in your journal and come back to review them over the next few months. You might feel inclined to update some of your answers as you begin to gain deeper awareness about who you are!

Share your comments or personal story I would love to hear from you.

The best way to reach me is to via email: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

SIGN UP NOW TO RECEIVE MY COMPLIMENTARY EBOOK – 6 STEPS TO GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK

EXPERT AS SEEN ON SOUL.TV

Soul TV expert badge

View the Soul.TV episodes subscribe here: http://www.soultv.com.au/?ref=19

HOW MEN AND WOMEN MISUNDERSTAND SEX

Here’s the scenario!

It’s early morning, the guy rolls over, kisses his partner. She gets the message and starts to cuddle into him. Next thing he is on top of her and 3-5 minutes later it’s all over. As he gets up and starts walking out of the bedroom she says, ‘Where are you going?” He replies, “To make a cup of tea!”

Which leads me to ask the question. Is there a link between many couples separating and what I would call the basic human needs of sex and intimacy, either through ignorance, selfishness or lack of interest not being met in a relationship or does it go much deeper than this?

What part does ‘sex,’ and the difference between how men and women view and feel about sex, play out in the number of couples who started out together in loving and caring relationships and end up becoming yet another statistic in the divorce courts? Or is this just another piece of the relationship puzzle that was left unattended and pushed away rather than being dealt with head on.

We all know that there are significant differences between the male and female brains which I think is just another part of ‘the grand design’ – when you put the two together it really should make for a very powerful combination from my perspective.

In most cases, men and women do not behave, feel, think, or respond in the same ways, either on the inside or on the outside.

What if a major difference with men, unlike women, was their inability to express their emotions, worries, sexual issues, and problems to their friends, family or colleagues and never to their partners?

What if some men stopped seeking sex from their partners because they felt furious, criticised and insignificant in their marriage but would not or could not talk about it with their partners?

M. Gary Neuman found that 48% of the men he interviewed reported emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason for cheating. They reported feeling unappreciated and wished that their partners could recognise when they were trying. They did not talk to their partners about this.

  • They fear talking will only cause more anger and rejection
  • They anticipate that if they start talking about issues in the marriage, their wives won’t stop talking–a reality that may simply reflect the clash of gender differences in handling stress
  • They fear hurting their partner with their honest feelings.
  • They feel self-conscious about performance issues and unwittingly send a message of avoidance, disinterest or rejection.
  • They silently blame their partner for boring sex but don’t consider verbalizing ways of enlivening the love life.
  • They don’t read the non-verbal cues or consider the cues they are sending.
  • They see the defensive posture their partner takes—not as a cover for her feelings of rejection; but as anger and accusation.
  • Paradoxically, they see themselves as protecting themselves, their partner, and their marriage with silence.

As such, many married men are emotionally alone. Unlike women who turn to other women to vent, garner support, and hear other perspectives and feelings— men too often “ suck it up”, remain locked in their perspective and can’t find a way to speak about what they need. This leaves them vulnerable to the attention, affirmation and complication of an affair.

Based on interviews with 200 cheating and non-cheating husbands, M. Gary Neuman, author of The Truth About Cheating, reports that only 8% identify sexual dissatisfaction as the reason for their infidelity.

A Rutgers study reports 56% of men who have affairs claim to be happy in their marriages, are largely satisfied and are not looking for a way out.

  • Sometimes affairs result in divorce. Statistics from 2004 suggest that 27% of divorces are due to extramarital affairs.
  • If both partners want their marriage, however, a marriage can survive an affair. Many partners have journeyed through the guilt and pain to mutually repair and renew their marriage.

If a man can find the feelings and words to engage with his partner in a process of apology and forgiveness, if he can speak and listen, reconsider the mutual rejection and anger, clarify the sexual needs and trust the love —he may well have a marriage he can speak about.

I have often been asked if I have a Divorced Men’s Club – and I see that like the Members Lounge I have for women, something like this for men would also be an incredibly valuable resource.

RECOMMENDED READING:  Married Men Don’t Talk by Tony Hawkins

RESOURCE:  An Unrecognized Reason That Married Men Have Affairs By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D.ABPP
To share your comments or personal story – send me an email: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

SIGN UP TO RECEIVE MY COMPLIMENTARY EBOOK – 6 STEPS TO GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK

EXPERT AS SEEN ON SOUL.TV

Soul TV expert badge

View the Soul.TV episodes subscribe here: http://www.soultv.com.au/?ref=19

SEX WITH THE EX!

Sex with the ex?

Yes or No?

Have you thought about it?

Have you done it?

If so, how did you feel afterwards?

This is an example of a scenario I see played out from time to time.

This is not a one sided situation, sometimes it is the woman who makes the first move.

For the purposes of making a point here I am using the ex husband or partner.

It can go something like this.

A woman’s husband or ex partner and possibly the father of her children decides, for whatever reason, that he no longer wants to continue this relationship.  He’s calling it quits.

The women is devastated!  Sure there are things that were far from perfect in the relationship. Like most relationships just dealing with parenting, work/life balance, financial stresses and any number of life challenging events that come our way puts a great strain on relationships.  And deep down we know we could be putting in more effort, the bedroom is now where you go to watch TV and sleep – not much else going on in there. And there is often a little niggling thought that pops into our minds that we just push to one side.  A little warning that we really should stop and sit down and have a long meaningful conversation with our partner – the phone rings, interrupts your thoughts and the cycle continues.

Then one day the bomb drops!  In spite of those thoughts of making more effort and knowing that things were far from ideal, it sends you into a tailspin, and life as you once knew it will never be the same again.

He moves out or you move out and you begin to live your lives separately.

It’s tough, you are still struggling to come to terms with having to do everything on your own. You are lonely, he seems to be out there having a good time, seeing other women and you think your life sucks.  And an occasion to get dressed up and do something a little bit special, well it’s been awhile. You do have good days and look forward to more of these.

Then out of the blue he calls around to check in with you to make sure you are OK.  He suggests you both go out to dinner just for old times sake.  Of course you are happy to have some company other than your own or your kids, a reason to get dressed up so you agree.

You have a nice time together, he’s attentive, the conversations is flowing nicely, he drives you home and suggests he comes in for a drink. One thing leads to another, things begin to get a bit ‘hot’ and you end up in bed together.

The next day he’s gone, you are left wondering what the hell happened and you feel like you have just taken a giant leap backwards.  You begin to create wistful stories in your mind about getting back together, giving it another go, how different it would be this time and then comes the flip side as you begin beating yourself up about how stupid you were, all he wanted was sex and I was the easiest way to get it.   Stop right there!  If what happened has left you feeling bad about yourself there is a lesson here for you.

This is a perfect opportunity to use this situation to put some boundaries around your relationship, not just with him, but with any future boyfriends or partners.

You can turn this into a very powerful step forward in taking control of your life.

Stand back and look at what happened, objectively. As if you are looking down at the two of you from a higher perspective. The idea is to take the emotional sting out of the situation.  Look at the role you played in this little episode, look at the role he played. Identify how it has made you feel about yourself.  Be aware of the thoughts that were running through your mind at the time.

What would be the very first step you would take when and if this situation arises again?
Look at what resources, internal and external, you could have used to prevent this happening.
What boundaries you will put around all your interactions with your ex from here on?
Then run a little movie in your mind and see how differently it plays out and take particular notice of how much stronger and more powerful you feel.

These events or circumstances are not right or wrong.

Learn the lesson, change what you would do in a similar situation and get on with taking a little step every day towards creating a life you love.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

Sign up for our 6 Steps to Getting Your Life Back on Track and you also receive all the latest news and events from the Divorced Women’s Club.

EXPERT AS SEEN ON SOUL.TV

Soul TV expert badge

View the Soul.TV episodes subscribe here: http://www.soultv.com.au/?ref=19

ADDICTED TO PORN

There are of course many forms of addiction that impact on relationships, this blog is about addiction to internet porn.

Over the past month or so I have had conversations with three different women about a serious problem they were experiencing in their relationships.

Their partners were addicted to internet porn, could no longer be intimate with them or get an erection.  It’s a serious problem, it’s not going to go away and I have serious concerns for the young men of today who are growing up with access to internet porn who may never be able to engage in a loving, intimate relationship.

I did some research on the subject and found this information on manupproject.com.au which describes the circumstances from a man’s perspective much better than I ever could.

In this post I wanted to take a closer look at a particular type of addiction that is gripping men and having devastating effects on their relationship and their own health.

At the click of a button men can have access to thousands and thousands of images of a pornographic nature. John Mayer, who is quite open about his porn addiction, once said that it’s not unusual for him to be able to see 300 vagina’s before he gets out of bed in the morning. Was that possible prior to high speed internet? Of course not but it is now.

So let’s paint the scene for you. A man has been using sex, masturbation and porn for most of his adult life to help himself deal with the low grade depression/anxiety that he has been feeling. He works from home which is adding to the feelings of anxiety. He begins to watch more and more porn looking for the perfect video flicking from one to another trying to get his fantasy fulfilled.

He is partial to young women so his search is usually for this. After a period of time the videos he used to watch no longer get him aroused so he searches for harder hits to try and get himself off. His partner, who isn’t 18 years old, begins to notice a downward turn in their sex life with her partner making excuses to avoid intimacy as he is no longer turned on by her and struggles to get and keep and erection during intercourse with her. Before long the relationship is in ruins with both parties blaming the other and there is a tremendous amount of pain and blame.

This is a snapshot of a very real problem that’s facing many couples. In my last blog we looked at the brain chemicals that are released during pleasurable activities and how that can end up becoming quite literally a survival response in the downward spiral to addiction. We might think of addiction as being substance abuse like alcohol and drugs but porn fits this substance list perfectly.

Once you start to flood the system with enough dopamine to take down a baby rhino your body begins to reduce the amount of receptors so you have to search for harder and harder forms of pornographic material to find it pleasurable. Only problem being that your partner isn’t likely going to want to enact what you’re viewing on the computer. The jack hammering, dominating and often violent scenes that men watch, and literally rewire their brains, are a far cry from what women want in bed leaving them feeling unmet and unloved.

The other scary part of porn addiction is the rewiring of the brain. If you expose yourself to a stimulus enough times (think 18 year old porn stars. Barely legal) then your brain starts to make these new connections permanent pathways and before long you can only get turned on by young women. I’ve seen this happen to middle aged men with porn addiction and they are no longer turned on by women of their age. The only problem is that they can’t connect emotionally to young women so they have this split and struggle to find love and lust in the same person.

This is not just a very serious problem for young boys and men, it can also impact on young women in a very negative way as they struggle with their own sexuality issues and wanting to please a man.

So what’s the answer?

Education?  Is that enough or is there more that can be done? I sure don’t have the answers!

I would however, love to hear what you have to say on this subject, open discussion brings more awareness to the seriousness of this problem.

To see more on this topic go to manupproject.com.au

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

Sign up for our 6 Steps to Getting Your Life Back on Track and you also receive all the latest news and events from the Divorced Women’s Club.

EXPERT AS SEEN ON SOUL.TV

Soul TV expert badge

View the Soul.TV episodes subscribe here: http://www.soultv.com.au/?ref=19