THE POWER AND THE PAIN OF WOMEN IN GROUPS

I’m sure that most women have experienced both the power and the pain of women in different groups they belong to, whether that’s a social or a business networking group.

Let’s start by looking at the Divorced Women’s Club Members Lounge.

This group definitely falls in the ‘power of a group’ category and like many other powerful groups it is the bond that women create with each other to both seek and provide help, support and advice though the sharing of similar experiences that contributes to making it such a powerful resource.

Cultural backgrounds, religious or spiritual beliefs, financial situation, age, country, children or no children, all totally irrelevant as the single most powerful reason this group functions so beautifully is because of the women who give so freely of their time to share their advice, wisdom and unconditional support for each other.

Within this group as with many other groups women fall into different personality profiles. Some are much more outgoing and ready to put their hand up and ask for help, or share the intimate details of their ‘divorce’ experience and there are many more private ladies who sit quietly behind the scenes and yet still are receiving the support they need and contributing in their own way.

Over the past three, nearly four years I have only had cause to remove two women, one who didn’t agree with one ladies sexual preferences and another who was bullying, not a bad record for a group that consistently has 200+ women as members from around the world.

What about the pain of women in groups?

There are so many fantastic interest groups, networking groups and business groups for women and as many groups as there are not all of them will work for everyone.

It can be as simple as not warming to the person who leads the group, the size of the group, the way the group is run, something about the energy of the group that doesn’t seem right for us or in some groups it can be as simple as them not giving you what you were looking for from the group.

Sometimes it’s hard to fit in particularly with a group of women who are so tight that it feels like there is no way you are going to be allowed into the inner sanctum.

I’m a firm believer in surrounding yourself with the people who will lift and inspire you, are genuinely interested in getting to know more about you. If you are not feeling this from the groups you are involved with, move on until you find your tribe because when you do it will feel easy and you will make some wonderful new friends.

If you would like to chat to Jenny about anything at all, even your favourite wine click here to schedule a time https://calendly.com/jenny-smith-1/what-s-going-on-in-your-world

 

HOW DO I PUT MYSELF FIRST AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT?

When someone asks a question like this, or makes a statement along the lines of “I can’t because” there are a whole lot of beliefs about what they must do, what they should do, how they supposed to act and how much or how little they value themselves.

It becomes a very real problem when other people expect us to always be there for them, to jump when they say jump or allow them to speak to us in ways that are unacceptable. If we don’t value ourselves, our time, our goals and our dreams how can we ever expect other people to value us? We end up becoming people pleasers and as a result lose our sense of who we are and our self-respect.

We teach people how to treat to us and if we want things to be different we have to retrain ourselves first. When we change it creates a ripple effect on the dynamics of our relationships with our loved ones, our friends and in the workplace.

For those of you reading this who think you might be a people pleaser check in and ask yourself how many times you do something out of a sense of ‘duty’ or because of what someone might think about you and then notice how that makes you feel.

Now ask yourself how you feel when you decide that you really want to do something for someone, regardless of the inconvenience and take particular notice of how that makes you feel.

Deciding to do something for someone when it is coming from a place of giving is a very different experience from those times when we agree to do something that we really don’t want to do, or we alter our plans to do something to fit in with someone else and there is resentment, anger or we experience a general feeling of being pissed off.

There is nothing wrong with putting ourselves first, in fact if we don’t know how to say NO then we are giving people the green light to walk all over us. We have let them know that their life, their goals, their wants and their desires are far more important than our own.

I remember when I first started work after being at home raising my kids for many years and one of the managers asked me to prepare a report. ‘It must be completed by the end of the day as I need it first thing the next morning” he said. To do this I had to stay back later after work and arrange for the kids to stay with a neighbour for a few hours until I got home. I placed the report on his desk as I left the office.

About 4 or 5 days later I was in his office and I noticed the report still on his desk where I had left it. When I asked about the deadline he had put on having it finished he said ‘the meeting isn’t until next week, I just wanted to get it done straight away.’ A big lesson for me, it never happened again simply because I asked better questions about deadlines and timeframes.

We all want to be liked and loved it makes us feel good right? Friendships and relationships are the perfect training ground for us to learn how and when to draw a line in the sand and when it’s OK to go along with what other’s want even if we aren’t all that keen. It’s about finding that balance between what’s important and what isn’t and when it comes to friendships and relationships it’s about being willing to walk away from the ones that are no longer aligned with who we are.

I would like to share something I read many years ago from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey that had an impact on me at the time and still resonates deeply with me.

“A personal mission statement based on correct principles becomes a standard for an individual, the basis for making major, life-directing decisions, the basis for making daily decisions in the midst of the circumstances and emotions that affect our lives.

Once you have that sense of mission you have the essence of your own proactivity. You have the vision and the values that direct your life. You have the basic direction from which you set your long and short-term goals. You have the power of a written constitution based on correct principles, against which every decision concerning the most effective use of your time, your talents and your energies can be effectively measured.

Many of us, me included, allow other people and circumstances to have an influence on our day to day lives that takes us away from doing the things that are most important to us. Writing this blog has been a wonderful reminder for me to go back and reassess where I find myself in relation to my personal mission statement.

Which brings me to ‘self-love’ or lack thereof.

Many people give too much and love too much and then wonder why they are left feeling unappreciated, unloved and dissatisfied with life.

If you identify as someone who gives too much and you are frustrated that your goals and dreams are sitting out in some far distant future this is the perfect time to write your personal mission statement and enforce boundaries around how you use your time and your energy.

To share your thoughts or your story please email me: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au
With love and gratitude
Jenny xx

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