HOW TO CREATE CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR LIFE

With the divorce rate rising at a rapid rate, families and relationships struggling and so many people hurting and finding it so difficult to get over what has happened and move on with their lives it always triggers these questions in my mind.

Where are we going wrong in our relationships?
What preparations need to happen and what deeper understanding of what marriage or any committed relationship actually is, what it means and what has to be there for couples to create a conscious relationship.

It is time for change, massive change. The huge costs incurred, broken families, strained and dysfunctional relationships, physical and emotional damage and the ripple effect that flows out into our communities and society is overwhelming.

I remember a time when I would walk past a young couple on their wedding day and see how happy they were, how beautiful everyone looked, I felt the love and excitement in the air and quietly wished them a long and happy life together.

These days, not so much! Now I look and wonder how well prepared they are for the reality of marriage and committed relationships. I question whether they have talked at length about what plans they have in place to cope with babies, or not cope with babies, money and finances, different sexual drives and desires, periods of ‘not coping with life,’ feeling resentful and unfulfilled in their work, work and life commitments that demand so much time that there is little left for anything else.

My work of course brings me in daily contact with women who were just like the young couples I mentioned, once upon a time. Now they are struggling to come to terms with a life that is falling apart all around them, they no longer recognise the person they married or aspects of themselves as their daily reality is spent dealing with access to money being cut off, meetings with lawyers, working out custody arrangements, selling the family home, finding somewhere to live, getting emotional and practical support and guidance from professionals like me, kids off to counsellors and in many cases finding out that there is already another woman waiting in the wings ready to step into their shoes.

I recently shared a post on my Divorced Women’s Club Facebook Page about Conscious Relationships. A new concept with the presupposition that if what we are currently doing isn’t working it’s time to do something differently.  This is the edited version of what a conscious relationship is, to read the full post click this link.

Welcome to the path of the conscious relationship. This is next-level love …
1. The conscious couple is not attached to the outcome of the relationship – growth comes first. Not being attached to the outcome of the relationship does not mean you don’t care what happens! It also doesn’t mean that you don’t have fantasies about how the relationship will turn out.

The conscious couple values growth more than anything else because they know this is the secret to keeping the relationship alive. Even though growth is scary (because it takes us into the unknown), the couple is willing to strive towards expansion, even at the risk of out-growing the relationship. Because of this, the relationship maintains a natural feeling of aliveness, and love between the couple does, too.

2. Each person in the relationship is committed to owning their s#*t.
Conscious couples know that we all have wounds from the past, and they understand that these wounds will inevitably be triggered, especially in a relationship. In other words, they expect to feel abandoned, trapped, rejected, overlooked and any other shitty feeling that arises when we bond closely with another person.

3. All feelings are welcome and no internal process is condemned.
In a conscious relationship, there’s room to feel anything. Not only that, there’s room to express those feelings and fantasies to your partner. This is edgy territory… it’s not easy to do. But it’s also one of the most healing things we can experience in a partnership

It’s rare to be completely honest about who you are, and to stretch yourself to let your partner do the same. You may not like what you hear; in fact, it may trigger the hell out of you. But you’re willing to be triggered if it means your partner can be authentic.

4. The relationship is a place to practice love. Love, ultimately, is a practice. A practice of acceptance, being present, forgiveness, and stretching your heart into vulnerable territories.

Sometimes we treat love like it’s a destination. We want that peak feeling all the time, and when it’s not there, we’re not satisfied with what the relationship has become. In my mind, this is missing the whole point of love.

The conscious couple is fiercely committed to being the embodiment of love. And through their devotion and practice, love shows up in their lives and relationship in ways they would’ve never imagined before.

~ Shelly Bullard, with Maria Mesa, Huda Musa, Stuart Jeffries and Lolita Concepcion

I’m absolutely in agreement that our current paradigm is not working and something needs to change, I also believe our younger generations coming through, perhaps children of divorce, will be looking for better ways to relate with each other in all of their relationships.

The example I have used of what Conscious Relationships are is perhaps a somewhat extreme example, in which case I’d like to spend more time sourcing information and get some real world feedback of how this works in the real world for couples.

I deal with the reality of many relationships everyday, perhaps that is clouding my view, I do know though that I’m not quite ready to jump onto the conscious relationship bandwagon just yet.

If you would like to chat to Jenny about anything at all, even your favourite wine click here to schedule a time https://calendly.com/jenny-smith-1/what-s-going-on-in-your-world

MANAGING FALSE ACCUSATIONS

When I made the decision to specialise as a divorce coach to fully utilise my skills and experience and implement access to the resources that were missing when I went through my divorce, I became exposed to many aspects of human behaviour that defy belief.

When two people are involved in conflict, one or both parties driven by a desire for revenge and control with the sole intend being to destroy their ex partners life, their careers and/or their relationship with their children.

The way they go about doing this is calculated and specifically targeted where it will cause the most damage to the individual, hit them hard where it hurts the most, that means using the children and making life extremely difficult by completely stopping all access to financial support.

How they go about this is often starts by setting the stage very early in the separation phase or prior to this in some cases. Changing bank account access, moving money out of accounts and making false accusations about how they treat their children or their mental state to family, friends, day-care staff or teachers often sighting abuse against the children or that they are emotionally unstable.

A word like abuse is open to interpretation by the listener. This of course triggers all sorts of alarm bells in the listener who has their own meaning of what this word suggests. Children are the sharpest weapon with which the high-conflict parent can cut their target to the core, hit them where it hurts the most and this is why it happens far too often.

If you are in a situation where you are seeing signs that you are being ‘setup’ by your partner or ex-partner, or if false accusations about you have already began then it’s time to start taking steps now to be fully prepared for what may eventuate.

  1. You have a voice recorder on your mobile phone, ensure that you use it for all conversations you have with your ex, or other relevant parties, save them with the date and time
  2. Written daily documentation of interactions with your ex, your activities, little comments that someone has said to you that has caught you by surprise, notice if day-care workers/teachers/in-laws are saying or doing things that seem out of the ordinary
  3. At the end of each day document your daily activities, where you were, the times you where there, who you were with or who you saw, why you were there, what time you were there and what time you left Steps 2 & 3 must be done every single day
  4. Prepare yourself mentally and physically for might be a long and arduous battle ahead and this means engaging professionals to help you. Nutritional needs, a personal trainer, attending the gym regularly, yoga classes, long walks along the beach or wherever you feel most at one with the nature, a divorce coach who is more than a counsellor, someone who will provide you with the tools to ensure that you can control your emotional state at will so that you can engage in those difficult conversations without reacting to comments designed to get a highly charged emotional response from you
  5. When it comes to false allegations the stakes are very high and you will need a lawyer who is experienced in this area
  6. The Divorced Women’s Club a private/secure online support group for women and access to these women, many who have been in a similar situation, will ensure that you don’t feel isolated and alone

If you find yourself in this situation or feeling uncomfortable about some things that are being said or done then it’s time to pick up the phone and speak to someone who is experienced in this area to express your fears and concerns and start making details notes in your diary today.

To share your thoughts or your story please email me: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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HOW TO CREATE YOUR BEST ENVIRONMENT

One of the biggest changes we face after the end of a relationship is in our living environment. Which is of course, one of the most important aspects of our lives, the place we call ‘home.’

Along with separating from someone we had planned on spending the best part of our lives with we are also faced with separating from many of the things that not only feel so familiar but also feel like a part of us in some way.

One of the biggest upheavals is the decision to either stay in what has been the marital home or move out and find somewhere else where we can begin to start all over again. Both of these options bring with them their own challenges and for many women this is not a decision that comes easily for them. In many cases this is come down to accepting the financial reality of the situation.

If you are emotionally attached (in a good way) to your family home and now the decision has been made to sell up, that can be particularly stressful for you. Even if you are in the position to stay in the family home it is quite possible that there will be lots of memories attached to the home that could trigger highly charged emotional responses in any number of different ways and being aware that this may be the case will help make the decision as to whether you choose to stay or sell up and move.

With any change in circumstances and more so when it comes to our home, there is a period of adjustment we go through and as we do one of the realizations that becomes clear as we take these next steps is that it is never really about a particular house or apartment or town or city that makes us grieve the loss when it is gone but rather the memories that were created in the home, the people who came in and out of our lives, the work we put into the garden, or transforming and redecorating a part of the house, the kids friends popping in and out, the sounds of children’s laughter, the family times when we all cuddled up to watch a movie, the sharing of cooking the family meals and the dreams we had for our futures.

If you accept that premise then you might also accept that the end of what was is also the beginning of something new. The only difference this time is that you have new awareness and experience to take with you on your journey and the choices you make are all yours.

“There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. We see the world not as it is, but as we are” Shakespeare

You now get to be the creator of the next phase of your life and where and how you live it.

I believe that home is what we make it and we see evidence of this in the most unusual and unexpected places around the world all the time. What we might consider to be an uninhabitable ‘home’ the people who live there have the biggest, most beautiful smiles and appear to be far happier than many who live in the biggest mansions.

At its’ very heart it seems that the feeling about a home is the same for most people.

  • A safe and supportive environment
  • A place to call our own
  • A place where we are able to relax and be ourselves
  • A place to share with our family and friends
  • A place that is an expression of who we are and what is important to us

All of these things become evident from how we feel in our home and how other people are welcomed into our home. It is rarely about the size of the home, the luxurious trappings or the massive pool in the back yard, nice to have for sure, but what speaks to me straight away is the feeling you get when you walk inside and that is priceless.

One of my clients a while ago now, was really struggling with the thought of letting go of the home where she had raised her children and all the happy memories she had attached to the home. Once she was able to see that this was the end of that phase in her life and that it was OK to let go she began to see that making a new home was just one part of the new life she had ahead of her she became excited about the possibilities and put her time and energy into finding out what it was she really wanted including where she wanted to live.

After discussion with her family she ended up making a big move from her home town to a beachside location, in a different state where she settled into a much smaller home that needed some ‘work,’ but was affordable and started working in a job she had never done before and that she absolutely loved. She spent the next few years making some changes to the house little by little as she lovingly decorated each room adding her own unique style and personality. I have been there a few times since to visit and these words say it all.

Home is Where The Heart Is, and creating a new home after divorce is just one of the hidden gifts we never expected to receive.

To share your comments or personal story – send me an email: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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