EMBRACING SEX AND SEXINESS IN YOUR LIFE

Before I start talking about embracing sex and sexiness in your life, these are two quite distinct words with very different meanings.

There are so many words used to describe the ‘doing’ part of sex. Sexual activity, sexual intercourse, lovemaking, bonking, nooky, quickie, screwing, and I’m only scratching the surface here.

As I did a little bit of research on what the word sexiness means it became apparent that sexiness is in the eye of the beholder and by that I mean it depends on people’s different views of what ‘sexiness’ means to them, what it looks like and how people exude ‘sexiness’.

Most of the images on the internet of women who fall into the ‘sexy’ category are of buffed women in bikinis overtly strutting their ‘stuff.’

For me it is more about the qualities and traits of a person and how they care for themselves. A particular inner and outer strength, how they carry and present themselves, their smile, a twinkle in the eye, and all summed up as a quiet confidence which is a natural expression of ability and self-respect. This applies equally for both men and women for me.

For women of all ages who have felt rejected by a partner and particularly if that rejection involves another women it will feel like a death of a thousand cuts. Women have a tendency to compare themselves with this other woman and their self-worth and self-esteem takes a nosedive. For many it can become an obsession, at least initially, to find out who she is, what she looks likes, what she does and she becomes the enemy, someone they can blame for the pain they are experiencing and direct their anger towards.

Separation and divorce shatters many women’s beliefs about themselves particularly around their ability to attract another partner. I have used the word attract because I want to come back to my definition of sexiness and ask the question, ‘what can women do to redefine sexiness’ after betrayal and loss?

If you agree with my definition of sexiness being a particular inner and outer strength and a quiet confidence how do women rekindle the flame within themselves that may have waned over time, or been completed snuffed out in a previous relationship.

We all have different coping strategies under difficult circumstances and underlying these coping strategies people who have been hurt will be asking themselves ‘what can I do to feel better about myself?’ or ‘how can I withdraw from the world because I am not enough?’ Whichever path they choose will of course produce very different outcomes.

There is a distinctly different mindset with these women. The pain and the hurt is no different, the grieving and sense of loss is no different, the struggle to build a new life is no different, whether they have financial resources or not is irrelevant, the only difference is that who they are is not defined by someone else or by what ‘happened to them’.

Here are some of the ways my clients have taken steps to turn their lives around which also developed a newfound confidence and strength that exuded ‘sexiness.’

  • Gone through their underwear drawers and thrown out every bra, every pair of knickers and personal items and hit the shops to buy all new very sexy items to replace the old with the new. Always a massive mood lifter and awesome cleansing process
  • Joined a gym, a walking group, a pilates class or yoga any physical activities that gets the body pumping and provides so many amazing feel good benefits.
  • Decided to embrace a completely new hair style
  • Started studying a subject that has always been of interest
  • Spending time with people who inspire and uplift them just by being in their presence
  • Going deeper into aspects of themselves, including spirituality and pursuing their gifts and talents
  • Creating and ticking off a list of things they always wanted to do

These women decide to use divorce as a catalyst to transform themselves and their lives and no longer be defined by someone else’s ideal of who they are and that my friends falls into my definition of ‘sexiness.’

If you would like to chat to Jenny about anything at all, even your favourite wine click here to schedule a time https://calendly.com/jenny-smith-1/what-s-going-on-in-your-world

PUTTING SOME SPICE INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP!

When I was trying to decide where to start writing I went straight to the dictionary to get some definitions of the words Spice and Spicy.

Here are some of the ones I found:

  • Something that adds zest or interest
  • slightly scandalous
  • racy
  • ribald
  • risqué
  • suggestive and titillating

Most new relationships will have elements of all of these definitions and yes, they all add to the excitement and fun, the difficulty however is how to maintain this as the relationship moves to the next phase when it might not be so quite so racy or titillating.

The conversation about intimacy and sex is I believe an ongoing one. It is something that needs to be talked about openly and honestly on a regular basis without fear of offending or getting defensive. Simply opening up the discussion so that you can talk through what you can do together to work through the ebbs and flows of sexual energy and intimacy needs.

It’s also important to know what each partner needs to know that they are loved and appreciated and taking the initiative to arrange a weekend getaway, write little love message to pop into a pocket for them to find or buy some lacy underwear to surprise your partner.

For women who have been hurt and feeling  vulnerable after divorce it’s not always easy to know how to approach a new relationship let alone how they are supposed to act.  It’s all new, it’s a bit scary and for so many it is taking them way out of their comfort zone.

So with this in mind I decided to put the question to the women in the Divorced Women’s Club Members Lounge and they jumped straight in to share their thoughts and experiences of venturing back into the dating scene and new relationships.

Here is what some of them had to share.

  • The most important thing is communication. You don’t need to bring up specific exes, but you need to speak up if your new, or not so new partner does something that makes you relive old hurt, shudder or excite you
  • I ask that our bedroom life remain totally between us, as when spicing up a previous relationship, the then partner told others and that got back to me.
  • One common ground is, we are all adults, therefore ‘should’ be able to talk about things, including sex. If sex has been taboo in the past, you should tell your new partner it’s new or sensitive.
  • As for spicing it up, talk through things beforehand, during and afterwards. Relax and go with the flow. Don’t rush and make sure you have plenty of time to ‘play’.
  • Run a bath, light some candles, turn the music down, or do the opposite, turn the music up and dance around…. you may just fall into a heap laughing and it may be the lead up to ‘fast, furious fun’.
  • Discover your partners likes and dislikes, explore possibilities, and going beyond the comfort zone. Ambience, involve all the senses.
  • Stop means stop!!!
  • If you are thinking of bringing toys into the bedroom, go shopping together and watch each other’s body language when you are in the shop.
  • Trusting each other comes when both partners work to give and gain that trust, to do this you both need to learn what your partner needs to develop that trust.
  • I believe that a relationship is not a 50%/50% partnership, it is 100%/100% giving to each other and it takes work on both sides to achieve this, which is commitment. Once you have this, being adventurous and going beyond your comfort zone is easier and exciting, and you get to share it with your amazing partner.
  • I believe that there has to be accountability to make who ever needs it to be comfortable to open back up!
  • Staying in touch as far as spice I think a couple needs to go away and get away from the everyday once in a while. Even if they think they don’t need it they do. How many of us have more sex and fun time when we are on vacation with our other half
  • Doing something the other really wants to do bringing real joy to someone else shows you really care and they are more likely to open up
  • Little emails and text during the day is a good way to the build up of seeing each other!

The reality is that intimacy and sex are critical components to both creating and nurturing a healthy and on-going relationship. It takes some planning and effort by both parties to ensure that this very important part of your relationship is cared for before one or both parties decide to call it quits and move on to add some zest or interest with someone else.

If you notice an incompatibility that causes concern early on in a relationship that’s the time to deal with it no matter how great you think the other person is for you.

The alternative is that you will probably spend the next 3, 5 or 10 years looking for something or someone else to fulfill these basic human needs of connection and intimacy.

To share your comments or personal story – send me an email: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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