A DIVORCE COACH’S GUIDE TO EASING THE PAIN

  • Divorce is a tough time for everyone, but pain can be mitigated by avoiding these pitfalls 
Divorce is devastating for everyone involved, but lessening that pain may be possible if we avoid the most common pitfalls along the way.  By Jo Hartley
Divorce is one of the most stressful things anyone can go through, and it’s not hard to see why. With assets to split, child custody arrangements to be made if you have kids and an emotional rollercoaster to ride, it’s not for the faint-hearted.

Yet, divorce in society is unlikely to change anytime soon.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) in 2015 there were 48,517 divorces granted in Australia, marking an increase of 2,019 (4.3 per cent) from the 46,498 divorces granted in 2014.

Similarly, divorces involving children represented 47.5 per cent of all divorces granted compared with 47 per cent  in 2014.

Regardless of this increase in numbers, one thing remains the same: the mistakes that people make when it comes to working through their divorce.

It’s something that Jenny Smith is all too familiar with.

As a separation and divorce coach, Smith helps guide people through their divorce, equipping them with tools and strategies to navigate through even the worst of days.

Smith offers her clients coaching throughout their journey, as well as access to skilled professionals such as financial advisors, legal experts and meditation staff.

Through her service she aims to mitigate the mistakes that divorcing couples most commonly make.

Using kids as ammunition 

Unfortunately, when children are powerless victims, it’s common for parents to use them as tools to manipulate and control situations,” says Smith.  “It causes the most heartfelt grief and pain, not just to the children, but also to the other parent.”

Smith advises that parents need to remember that the consequences of their choices will have a direct influence on their children when it comes to issues of trust, life choices and beliefs about relationships and marriage.

Unfortunately, when children are powerless victims, it’s common for parents to use them as tools to manipulate and control situations”

“Children are not equipped to handle these sorts of confrontations and many will feel they are to blame,” she says.

Smith acknowledges that it takes a certain level of maturity and personal responsibility for couples to put their own issues and pain to one side, but notes that it’s important to work together.

“Keep in mind that children will have a long list of milestones coming up that you’ll both want to be part of,” she says. “Also, thinking longer term, there’ll likely be engagements, weddings and their own children one day.”

Poor communication

While there are many couples that manage to communicate well through divorce, Smith notes that it’s not the norm.

“When communication blocks are put up, it’s a no-win situation for everyone.  Most people have no idea of the long-term implications and, subsequently, the risk of emotional and financial costs spiralling.”

In any communicative situation, Smith recommends asking yourself ‘what is the outcome I want from this?’, or ‘what is it that triggers my emotions in our communications’?

“Being self-aware is critical,” says Smith.  “I call it taking a helicopter view so you can observe yourself in the situation and learn from it.

“Creating change always has to start with us and, even though we can’t control others, we can control ourselves and who we choose to be in any relationship.”

The end of a relationship is the perfect time to assess what you really want next time around from both a personal and partner perspective

Rushing into a rebound relationship

There are many reasons why people may rush into a rebound relationship during divorce. The most common reasons relate to a sense of self-worth or loneliness.

While it’s normal to want to feel loved or needed, Smith says it’s important to remember that it’s unlikely you’ve met the love of your life.

“The end of a relationship is the perfect time to assess what you really want next time around from both a personal and partner perspective,” she says.

Before leaping into a relationship, Smith suggests really getting to know yourself, as well as recognising and acknowledging your own contribution to the failure of your prior relationship.

Consider if you failed to express your needs, enforce your boundaries, or put your own dreams and goals on the back burner to support your partner.

“We have to know ourselves really well and divorce provides plenty of opportunities to see ourselves in a whole different light and not always in a good way.”

Seeking the right kind of professional advice 

Education and information is key in helping you make decisions about your divorce, however, seeking the advice of a lawyer immediately is not always recommended.

“We have to know ourselves really well and divorce provides plenty of opportunities to see ourselves in a whole different light and not always in a good way.”

“Once couples start the separation journey at this point there’s a higher risk of ongoing litigation and conflict, along with higher legal fees that may escalate,” explains Smith.  “Children in the relationship can become a negotiation tool, too.”

Smith says it’s essential to have a great team of professionals on your side who can help you to take steps prior to you seeing a lawyer. Subsequently, this will also prepare you more for the journey ahead.

“You need people who are experts in their field, not your mum and dad, sister, brother or your mate or girlfriend who has been through divorce. No divorce journey is the same and the experience is different for everyone.”

http://www.sbs.com.au/topics/life/relationships/article/2017/04/20/divorce-coachs-guide-easing-pain

If you would like to chat to Jenny about anything at all, even your favourite wine click here to schedule a time https://calendly.com/jenny-smith-1/what-s-going-on-in-your-world

COLLECT WHAT YOU CAN BEFORE YOU LEAVE

We sometimes leave relationships and the family home because we have to, because we have no choice. This decision is never made lightly and is often fraught with fear, urgency and some panic. Before you leave for good, there are some extra things you will need to gather up before leaving: financial records.

When the time comes to formerly end the marriage you will need to complete a financial statement in order to divide the property between you and your ex partner. This statement requires that you declare your assets and liabilities. When you view what your ex partner has recorded on the financial statement they have submitted, you should undertake to prove that it is correct. To do this you want to have to hand third party documentation to prove, for example, that the assets (savings and investment bank accounts, superannuation accounts, share certificates etc) and liabilities (credit cards, loan accounts, debts to third parties) actually existed during the marriage.

What could happen is that your ex partner may attempt to diminish the amount of assets they have and increase the amount of liabilities. You want to be able to prove all the asset accounts held during the marriage have been disclosed, so prior to leaving the family home you want to be able to collect as much supporting evidence as possible to prove what was held. You can always ask your ex partner through their lawyer later on for statements proving current balances but you need to have a good idea of what assets and liabilities exist because parties are not above hiding things or telling untruths when it comes to money. When disclosing liabilities some ex’s may claim loans extended by family or friends. This is a common tactic and having some proof to refute the claim is dynamite. Let’s says your ex partner was given a large gift of money by a parent for their birthday, if you had a birthday card or some type of note reflecting the giving of this gift, that would be proof the claim of the money as a loan was incorrect.

Before you leave the family home, take stock of what you will need in terms of financial records to prove all assets and liabilities. If you cannot remove the documents, then you can either photocopy them or scan them onto a USB stick. Remember…think strategically.

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My name is Elizabeth Camillo and I am a forensic accountant specialising in family law. My role in your divorce is to value the family business, to prove the truth of the financial statement provided by your ex partner and to investigate any suspicions you may have relating to your partner hiding or devaluing assets purchased with your martial money.

If you hold concerns about the lack of honesty displayed by your ex partner and their failure to disclose their use of family money, I am able to provide you with some solutions to identify what has occurred.

My passion for financial investigations stems from my own experience with divorce. As a child I grew up in a divorced household knowing that financial pressures impact upon our happiness. It was a day-to-day worry that we never escaped from.

Call me on 0401662727 or at Elizabeth@ecamillo.com.au to arrange a consultation to discuss the financials in your family law matter.