THAT DIFFICULT CONVERSATION

The beginning of a new year for many people is when they take some time to really think about what they want to do and achieve in terms of career, health, fitness, travel, lifestyle, family and experiences for the year ahead.

It is also when many people follow through on a decision made some time previously to have that very difficult conversation with their partner.  “I want a divorce.”

When they reach that particular point in time, that moment of truth when they know they can no longer continue to live a lie or pretend that everything is OK.

Being the person to instigate having this difficult conversation is extremely painful and there will never be a ‘right’ time.

Most of my clients who have made the choice to end their relationship can remember clearly when and where the conversation took place. They can remember what they were doing, what they were wearing and the words they chose to speak out loud, the words that had been going through their mind for weeks or months before.

The fact is there is never a right time, or a better time and putting off the inevitable can mean that another year passes, another year living a life you no longer want.

I had a lady come to see me about the conflict and struggle she was having about starting this conversation.  We spent some time together to ensure she was absolutely congruent with this decision, which she was, however every time she decided she was going to tell him she couldn’t go through with it.  He was a very good man and she did care for him as a friend which made it even more difficult.  I suggested she write everything down that she wanted to say, as if she was having the conversation with him, read it over and over until she felt comfortable to broach the conversation, fold the piece of paper and put it in her bra, close to her heart.   She rang me the next day to tell me she took a very big deep breath, put her hand on her heart and had that difficult conversation.

If you are considering having this ‘difficult conversation,’

  • Be respectful of the other person’s feelings
  • Choose a time and a place where you will not be interrupted
  • Be honest in your communication, this is not the time for sugar coating how you feel
  • Being honest maintains a level of trust, even if it means acknowledging an affair, an attraction, or that your feelings have changed
  • If you have children choose a time when the both of you can tell them what is happening and reassure them that they are loved and this decision is not because they have done anything wrong
  • If there is any doubt in your mind suggest a trial separation to give both parties the time and distance to think things through
  • If the decision is made to proceed to divorce be mindful that the days, weeks and months ahead will be extremely challenging and emotionally stressful for everyone involved
  • Reaching resolution more quickly is achievable when both parties are agreeable, still difficult and challenging but will considerably shorten the time, emotional angst and financial outlay
  • Ending your relationship may also mean losing extended family, friends and colleagues,

I am not particularly proud of how I handled my separation, it was a very difficult time and many people I love dearly were hurt and confused by my actions.

If you are considering having that difficult conversation hopefully this post will help you hit the pause button just long enough to consider the possible implications of how you choose to end your relationship and approach the situation with respect, honesty and consideration for everyone involved.

Visit our website here:  http://www.divorcedwomensclub.com.au

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