WHAT DO YOU NEED FOR EFFECTIVE SELF LEADERSHIP?

As I began to think about writing this blog I went to my bookshelves and was astounded at how many books I have that are related in some way to ‘leadership’.   Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In – Women, Work and the Will to Lead, Stephen Covey The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Ken Robinson The Element, Malcolm Gladwell Outliers to name a few and I’ll throw in The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz slightly off topic and yet fits beautifully and is one of my favourites.

What is self-leadership? What exactly does it mean?

Andrew Bryant in his book Self Leadership defines it as having a developed sense of who you are, what you can do and where you are going coupled with the ability to influence your communication, emotions and behaviour on the way to getting there.   All of this can be summed up as self-awareness and the maturity to take responsibility for your personal development, goals and outcomes.

Women come to me for help. The end of a relationship is a highly emotive time and there is not a great deal of difference in the emotional and physical responses from the stay at home mum with children, the women who have been married for 20+ years and professional women in those first 3 to 6 months. Divorce wipes people out, they can’t think straight, and many lose every inch of their self worth and confidence. Their lives have been turned upside down and they struggle to come to terms with the reality of a situation they never signed up for.

There is no way I could address all the different situations and circumstances that women come from and through because of the end of a relationship. Relationships do not fall into a common category simply because no two people involved in a relationship have the same personalities, beliefs, values or lifestyle choices as any other couple on the planet.

What role does self-leadership play in the lives of women going through divorce and conversely for those who are ready to step into a new relationship?

What’s the difference between the women who are able to get their lives back on track more quickly and those who stay stuck for years hanging onto their story?

In very simple terms the difference is this: the women who get on with their lives choose to create a different story.

This is where self-leadership falls nicely into this conversation.

Here are the three important components of effective self-leadership inspired by some brilliant writers and thinkers.

Self-leadership requires self-awareness

Women who move on with their lives more quickly after separation and divorce have a clear perception of their strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivation, and emotions.

They are willing to ask for help and they are coachable. By that I mean they use the tools and resources I teach them to take control of their emotional state on a daily basis. They want someone who will be honest with them and allow them to uncover their own answers to questions and solutions to their problems.

They are willing to let go of the things they cannot control, how other people act is always a trigger in separation and divorce situations. They are willing to accept that they have no control over what the other party might do or say knowing that they do have total control over themselves and how they respond.

Self awareness is many things including:

Listening to our internal dialogue and recognising when we are making judgements about other people, circumstances or situations based on the story we are telling ourselves, essentially making up shit!

It’s about knowing what questions to ask yourself to gain insight into the what, the why and the how of a situation.

It’s about being in control of your own mind, where you focus your attention, your emotions, your responses to situations and ultimately your behaviour.

When it comes to creating change in your life being in control of your thoughts comes first, the emotions, the language you use to describe a situation and the actions you take all follow on from your thoughts and will have a massive influence on how you view the world around you.

When it comes to facing those curved balls that life tends to throw our way from time to time self awareness is critical when it comes to managing yourself and your situation.

When it comes to wanting your life to be better or different in some way, knowing what it is you want and being absolutely clear about why you want it is essential for moving forward.

Self-leadership requires living according to your values and priorities.

Living according to your values and priorities will show up in your life on a daily basis.

Being fit and healthy is both a value and a priority and it will be evident in the choices you make about what you eat and as a priority it will influence how you plan your day.

Stephen Covey discusses our independent will as human beings that make self-leadership possible: “It is the ability to make decisions and choices and to act in accordance with these.” Successful self-leaders are those who live according to their values. They know what to say “yes” to and have clarity on what to say “no” to.

Self-leadership requires taking personal responsibility for your development.

Self-leadership requires a willingness to learn from the people around us. If creating amazing relationships is something we desire then we spend time finding out more about how we can do this, speaking to people, researching and getting very clear on what an amazing relationship looks like and feels like for us.

You can substitute any other quality or trait for the word relationship, wealth, freedom, contribution, independence, creativity, community, honesty, self-expression and so on.

We all have the ability to continually improve ourselves, our lives and in turn the lives of others. It is a journey and once to take that first step you soon discover that there is no end to this journey. As we grow into being more of who we really are without all the bullshit beliefs and lies that we have told ourselves, our dreams, goals and desires also expand.

Accept that there will be times when we fail, we fall in a heap, we struggle to continue, and yet we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and continue on the journey knowing that we have just taken one giant leap forward.

There is no taking away the heartache and pain we experience when it comes because of the challenges we face with separation and divorce, that’s a fact.

My clients know that once they have moved through the worst of the situation and out the other side, there is a whole world of new possibilities and opportunities waiting for them to discover. And that’s when we begin to create magic together.

To share your thoughts or your story please email me: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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REBUILDING YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE

For many people the signs that a relationship is over or a least in big trouble have been hanging around for some time and to some degree the emotional disconnect if not physical distance doesn’t make the process that has to be completed any easier.

However for the women who just didn’t see it coming and would describe the relationship as great, compatible, happy and still enjoying a great sex life, are absolutely shaken to the very core especially when they discover that there has been another women behind the scenes for quite some time.

Regardless of the circumstances the first two to three years particularly when there are kids involved can be extremely difficult. Your lives are so deeply intertwined and to begin to unravel and separate from each other is a challenge.

For the first 3-6 months of separation and up to 12 months or more there are so many issues that just have to be dealt with to bring things to some sort of conclusion.

There will be countless moments and weeks of feeling overwhelmed with so many emotions ranging from betrayal, anger, rage, confusion, hurt, resentment, despair, fear you name it and I can guarantee that many people will be moving from one thing to the next and then recycling. The tears will come, sometimes for days at a time and sometimes at the most ‘inappropriate times.’

In the middle of all of this there are major life changing decisions to be made when we are probably in our least resourceful state to be even deciding what to wear and what to eat.

Who’s moving out, who is keeping the cat or dog, the record collection, the photos, worrying about the financial side of things, how to tell your family and friends, having some family and friends cutting themselves off from you, and if you have kids – well how do we make this work so that the impact on the kids is kept to a minimum.

It is a traumatic and confusing time.

There are things you can do to help you throughout this process.

Pull together a breakup support team.

  1. Seek professional help as soon as possible to know where you stand legally and financially. The better informed you are the better decisions you will make with money, property settlement and knowing your legal rights
  2. Seek out a trusted friend who will support you emotionally without buying into the situation
  3. Seek out a counsellor or divorce coach who will give you the tools and resources to move through the process much more quickly. Help you create a clear plan of action for moving forward and be on call for those times when you hit the wall to get you back on track quickly
  4. Get a kids coach to help them be able to express their fears and concerns
  5. Self-care is critical to your wellbeing. Get active, walking, hitting the gym, yoga, having a massage, or healing work. This is a time for you to make you and your emotional and physical wellbeing your top priority.
  6. Be careful with any making any major life decisions until you are really ready to do so.
  7. Remember that your relationship with your partner might be ending but their relationship with your kids is not. Work together to make this as beneficial as possible for all concerned. How you both manage sharing this responsibility will impact your children in some way, make it as amicable as you possibly can

REBUILDING YOUR LIFE

Everything in life has a season, it’s a law of nature.

Much like a tree that has now withered and died it’s time to let go of the old life so we can allow the new life to enter.

Rebuilding our lives after separation is a gradual process as we find ourselves cut adrift from what was familiar.

Some people naturally handle change more easily than others and for those relationships that have been 15- 20 years long it can be a struggle to find yourself outside of the relationship.

Moving on is not a one size fits all process and people will move through this at their own pace. It is however a much easier transition for the women who decide to take some control and get on with their lives, no matter how hard that may be, and those who choose to hang on to the past, unable to face an unknown future are often divorcing themselves from life. Little realising that an unknown future is essentially what everyone is moving into, we might have plans and goals we are working towards, but life can and does change in an instant.

We can choose to use this life-changing event as a positive situation to discover more about ourselves than we may ever have done within the relationship. Renew interests that have been lost along the way! Create a new circle of friends, new experiences, learn new skills, and even take belly dancing classes.

There is so much joy to be had when we not only embrace change, but we grab it by the neck and give it a bloody good shake.

When you are beginning to settle into living life more on your terms it will be the simple things that have new meaning, add real value to your life and life is good.

To read more blogs I have written on this topic pop on over to visit my website www.divorcedwomensclub.com.au/blogs

If you would like to connect with me personally and/or join our Private Members Lounge please email me directly jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

To share your comments or personal story – send me an email: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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