EMOTIONAL MASTERY

Emotional Mastery!!!!

Is there really such a thing, are we able to be in control of our own emotions? Is it something ‘anyone’ can do? The answer is Yes!

Before I go on and I will come back to this in another email, our emotions are there to serve us, they have a very real purpose and it’s good to know there is nothing wrong with us when we are an ’emotional mess.’  More about this in the next newsletter.

Many people generally believe they have no control over their emotions. ” He made me so mad”, “she always makes me angry.” We have all made these comments or something similar from time to time, and yes when someone did something that really got under our skin it does trigger our emotions and can really fire us up.

I would like you to consider that you already know how to be emotionally masterful, and in these examples just notice if you can remember situations where you may have done something similar.

You are on the phone have a conversation with someone, perhaps it’s someone you really don’t like and you are being nice and polite through the conversation and occasionally you just put you had over the phone, and yell at them and or call them an idiot and then you calmly remove your hand from over the phone, return to the conversation and carry on as if nothing has happened.

If you have kids and you are on the phone and they start playing up, similar to the example I have just given, cover the phone, yell at kids to get to their rooms, then start talking again as if nothing has happened.    

These are examples of how you changed your emotional state!

We all change our state many times throughout the day.  If I get up in the morning and not feeling like I can be bothered going for a walk but I do it anyway and before I know it, everything feels different, my breathing changes, my posture changes, my focus changes, I hear birds in the trees, I feel the breeze on my skin and life suddenly feels good.

Here is a very simple explanation of how you can change and manage your emotional state.  Simply changing one of these three, will change the others.

The mind and the body are linked in such a way that

  • What you think affects your feelings and your physiology
  • What you feel affects your physiology
  • What you do with your body, your physiology affects your thinking and your feelings

Take a moment to think about some of the resources you already have (like going for a walk (physiology) that you know when you do them or when you think about them they have a positive affect on your emotional state.

Have fun with this and I’ll dive into more about this emotional “stuff’ next time.

Are you ready to become emotionally masterful?  Click the link below to find our how

The Keys To Unlocking Your Personal Power

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Jenny is an absolute advocate and champion for women rediscovering themselves through the process of divorce.

 

GIRLFRIENDS AND MISGUIDED ADVICE

If you are in the early phases of separation there will be some people you want to keep close by your side and there will be others that will no longer be a part of your life.

Everyone will have an opinion on what you should do, what they really thought of your partner and be particularly cautious of the ones who love to feed on gossip. The last thing you need to hear is someone saying things like ‘I always thought he/she was a jerk,’ ‘Did you know he tried to hit on me plenty of times?’ and the best one of all, ‘you’ll be fine, just get over it there are plenty more fish in the sea!’

If only it was that easy!

The fact is that any separation, no matter who decides to end the relationship, is a traumatic and confronting experience. It changes who you are, it changes many aspects of your life that you held dear, it causes you to question everything about yourself, your decisions, and it completely wipes out the timeline you had in your imagination of how and when all the things you had planned together would come to life. Now all you see in front of you is a blank wall with no idea of how to get over it, around it, or through it.

Most people these days know someone who has been through divorce and although family and good friends are so very important in your life now, it is time to remove the people from your life who simply have no idea of what it is like to walk in your shoes and hugely beneficial to connect with a few friends or acquaintances who do.  These are the people who will give you permission to spend the day curled up in bed, who will listen to you talk and talk about the same things over and over again without judgement, they will be the ones you can call late at night.  They will come over to spend the night and keep you company, get you laughing and smiling again. They will reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you and share the things that happened to them and encourage you to honour the grieving process and allow the body to do it’s healing in the way it has been designed to do.   Your body goes into shock and all the physical and emotional triggers that are designed to help you through any trauma will kick in to do what needs to be done to begin the grieving and healing process.

Time really does heal old wounds and life goes on, we manage to pull ourselves together, we learn more about who we are and just how strong and resilient we have become, we learn to ask for help when we need it, we learn to swallow our pride and seek financial assistance when we need it, we become experts at managing our budgets, we discover just how wonderful and supportive a select group of special people in our lives are and eventually we regroup, we begin to think about what we want to do with our lives, our work or careers or adding value to others in some way.

There are so many parts of who we are and for many women it’s not until we are no longer someones wife or partner that we have the opportunity to make these discoveries, our self-awareness becomes deeper, we begin to question our beliefs about relationships and other things we thought to be true, many begin a deeper spiritual practice, question why they are here, they realise the benefits of maintaining their health and fitness, giving back to their families and communities and begin to explore experiences that are new, challenging, fun and allowing the growth and expansion of themselves and their lives.

If you would like to chat to Jenny about anything at all, even your favourite wine click here to schedule a time https://calendly.com/jenny-smith-1/what-s-going-on-in-your-world

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HOW DO I PUT MYSELF FIRST AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT?

When someone asks a question like this, or makes a statement along the lines of “I can’t because” there are a whole lot of beliefs about what they must do, what they should do, how they supposed to act and how much or how little they value themselves.

It becomes a very real problem when other people expect us to always be there for them, to jump when they say jump or allow them to speak to us in ways that are unacceptable. If we don’t value ourselves, our time, our goals and our dreams how can we ever expect other people to value us? We end up becoming people pleasers and as a result lose our sense of who we are and our self-respect.

We teach people how to treat to us and if we want things to be different we have to retrain ourselves first. When we change it creates a ripple effect on the dynamics of our relationships with our loved ones, our friends and in the workplace.

For those of you reading this who think you might be a people pleaser check in and ask yourself how many times you do something out of a sense of ‘duty’ or because of what someone might think about you and then notice how that makes you feel.

Now ask yourself how you feel when you decide that you really want to do something for someone, regardless of the inconvenience and take particular notice of how that makes you feel.

Deciding to do something for someone when it is coming from a place of giving is a very different experience from those times when we agree to do something that we really don’t want to do, or we alter our plans to do something to fit in with someone else and there is resentment, anger or we experience a general feeling of being pissed off.

There is nothing wrong with putting ourselves first, in fact if we don’t know how to say NO then we are giving people the green light to walk all over us. We have let them know that their life, their goals, their wants and their desires are far more important than our own.

I remember when I first started work after being at home raising my kids for many years and one of the managers asked me to prepare a report. ‘It must be completed by the end of the day as I need it first thing the next morning” he said. To do this I had to stay back later after work and arrange for the kids to stay with a neighbour for a few hours until I got home. I placed the report on his desk as I left the office.

About 4 or 5 days later I was in his office and I noticed the report still on his desk where I had left it. When I asked about the deadline he had put on having it finished he said ‘the meeting isn’t until next week, I just wanted to get it done straight away.’ A big lesson for me, it never happened again simply because I asked better questions about deadlines and timeframes.

We all want to be liked and loved it makes us feel good right? Friendships and relationships are the perfect training ground for us to learn how and when to draw a line in the sand and when it’s OK to go along with what other’s want even if we aren’t all that keen. It’s about finding that balance between what’s important and what isn’t and when it comes to friendships and relationships it’s about being willing to walk away from the ones that are no longer aligned with who we are.

I would like to share something I read many years ago from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey that had an impact on me at the time and still resonates deeply with me.

“A personal mission statement based on correct principles becomes a standard for an individual, the basis for making major, life-directing decisions, the basis for making daily decisions in the midst of the circumstances and emotions that affect our lives.

Once you have that sense of mission you have the essence of your own proactivity. You have the vision and the values that direct your life. You have the basic direction from which you set your long and short-term goals. You have the power of a written constitution based on correct principles, against which every decision concerning the most effective use of your time, your talents and your energies can be effectively measured.

Many of us, me included, allow other people and circumstances to have an influence on our day to day lives that takes us away from doing the things that are most important to us. Writing this blog has been a wonderful reminder for me to go back and reassess where I find myself in relation to my personal mission statement.

Which brings me to ‘self-love’ or lack thereof.

Many people give too much and love too much and then wonder why they are left feeling unappreciated, unloved and dissatisfied with life.

If you identify as someone who gives too much and you are frustrated that your goals and dreams are sitting out in some far distant future this is the perfect time to write your personal mission statement and enforce boundaries around how you use your time and your energy.

To share your thoughts or your story please email me: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au
With love and gratitude
Jenny xx

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HOW TO STOP FEELING INVISIBLE

What does feeling invisible look like and in what situations might we find ourselves feeling invisible?

From a physical perspective there are both men and women who exude that air of natural confidence and charisma and is what instinctively draws people to them. Even these people will have times when they need to withdraw from the world to recharge, maybe this is what you could also refer to as needing to feel invisible, the difference here though is that for them it’s a considered choice which is very different from those people who feel that it something out of their control.

Feeling invisible can often it can be a sign that we no longer have anything in common with the people we used to spend time with, including family. If we have very different interests and other people are not interested in engaging with us, maybe that might make us feel invisible.

At some social occasions you may choose to be invisible because the conversation is heading into discussing something that you feel strongly about and it’s just not worth stirring the pot or you are simply bored to tears. We do outgrow some of our family and friends and I view this as a good thing. It means that we are expanding our view of the world and making choices based on what we think and feel and how we want to be treated.

In a divorce situation many women I work with or meet find the adjustment into life as a single woman very difficult and feel uncomfortable in social occasions where they may be the only single women and feel left out of the conversation. Or in relationships many women they feel that their needs are unheard or that ‘you never listen to me’. I could discuss the difference between men and women when it comes to ‘listening skills,’ however that is probably best left for another time.

How to stop feeling invisible raises many questions for me – let’s start with these two.

What am I doing or not doing to make myself feel invisible around people?
What is the meaning I have given to the fact that I feel invisible?

Feeling invisible in any situation is a choice, whether it’s in the workplace, with your family and friends or in social occasions and it’s never about other people. It is always about us. Often lying behind this will be a fear and lack of self-worth. Fear of not being heard, fear of not being liked, fear of speaking up and asking for what you want, fear of disagreeing with someone else’s opinion, fear of not being enough …………….. (fill in the gap!)

More questions for you to contemplate that will help bring more awareness into what might be going on for you. If this is a significant problem for you choose just one thing on the list and work towards turning that around before you move to the next one.

When you feel invisible or unseen or not heard by others do you remain silent?
Do you take on responsibility for attending to other peoples needs before your own?
Do you take on responsibility for other people’s lives in an attempt to ‘fix’ them?
Do you pretend that everything in your world is rosy when you are really feeling sad and lonely?
If you strongly disagree with someone do you speak up or do you prefer to avoid conflict?
How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen or not valued?
How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?

Having the awareness that you feel invisible is the first step. The next step is to take responsibility for your own feelings, for what you want and how you choose to be treated. It all has to start with you loving and caring about yourself more than you care about anyone else.   It’s a work in progress however the rewards that come along with every little step will encourage you to keep going.

Sometimes we need a little push to get started and to help you take that first step imagine in 10 years time what your life looks like, how you feel and what you are saying to yourself if you choose to do nothing.

Now imagine in 10 years time what your life looks like, how you feel and what you are saying to yourself when your whole world has changed because you had the courage to take that very first step.

To share your thoughts or your story please email me: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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WHERE DOES FAITH COME FROM?

The words blind faith or trust are often referred to in the context of religion however noted atheist Richard Dawkins’ view of faith states that ‘blind trust is the absence of evidence,’ conversely W.H. Griffith-Thomas states that faith is ‘not blind, but intelligent’ and that it commences with the conviction of the mind based on adequate evidence.

I believe that it is both of these things in different contexts, yes the absence of evidence in many situations and also intelligent in those situations where you have past references that support and guide you through this new experience.

HOW DOES IT SERVE US?

Placing our faith or trust in another person or situation means that we must suspend our need to control an outcome to be able to move toward achieving something important to us. Whether that be a new career transition, relocating to a new town or country to live, navigation our way through the divorce process or deciding to take that next very big step toward finding love again. There are no guarantees that it will be a smooth or enjoyable ride but if be are firm in our belief that it is the right thing for us to do then faith and trust are required for us to continue.

WHAT STOPS US BELIEVING OR TRUSTING?

Life gives us plenty of experiences that will at times completely shatter our beliefs and trust not only in other people or situations but in ourselves as well.

Divorce is right up there with the most challenging for so many people.

People let us down, betray us and treat us in ways that we never imagined possible and these factors are highlighted in separation and divorce situations. We ourselves respond in ways that in some situations we don’t even recognise who we are and we violate our own values in our struggle to make sense of what is happening around us.

HOW DO YOU FIND FAITH IN TIMES OF STRUGGLE AND CHANGE?

This is where I might appear to be putting myself firmly in the ‘faith is confidence or trust in a person or thing or belief not based on facts or proof. In fact, I live much of my life in this space and I refer to it as ‘a knowing that all will be well.’ When I have been at rock bottom in different periods throughout my life the phrase ‘this too shall pass’ have become my mantra and never, ever failed to be true.

Keeping at the forefront of your mind what it is that you want, knowing what sort of person you want to be and how you want to respond to difficult situations, doing what you can to put one foot in front of the other to continue to move forward, accepting that there will be times when you will fall down and struggle to get back up again and always remember that we are stronger than we think we are, we are braver and bolder than we think we are and that within each and everyone of us we have what we need to help us through difficult times.

And finally but most importantly surround yourself with people who inspire you, people who see you for who you are and who will be there to support you through your times of struggle and change.

Share your comments or personal story I would love to hear from you.

The best way to reach me is via email: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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