YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN

As humans we are so very good at naming and blaming people and circumstances for the things that we have continually showing up in our lives that are not what we want.

Whether it’s the guy that used and abused us, the reasons why we are broke, or why we are overweight and unhealthy are usually statements that begin with words like “It’s not my fault…..”  “I can’t” or “its because” closely followed by ‘reasons why’.

The truth can always be found in that one place you haven’t looked to find the answers to these and other questions. The same things that you have showing up in your life time after time all comes down to one common denominator.  YOU!

The one place where we all must look to find the answers is the one place that we will avoid at all costs.  It is always so much easier to place the blame outside of ourselves and to make excuses rather than face the truth about the choices and decisions we have made.

If you sat down and mapped out a timeline of people, situations, and circumstances that have been significant in your life over the past 5 – 7 years and then looked at the role you played it can be quite confronting and challenging.

Be totally honest with yourself and begin to ask yourself a few tough questions.

Here are few to get you started.

As you walked down the aisle what thoughts were running through your head?

When your girlfriends told you what a jerk he was and that he was already cheating on you did you chose to marry him anyway?

Did you choose to believe your partner when he staying at working later than usual and/or text messages coming in at strange hours of the morning and night.

WHATEVER COMES UP FOR YOU – IT’S ALL OK!   IN FACT IT IS FANTASTIC!

If you can muster up enough courage to look at the uncomfortable stuff you did (or failed to do) that got you where you are, you are in a great place.

IF WHAT YOU HAVE SHOWING UP IN YOUR LIFE IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT, DECIDE NOW WHAT IT IS YOU DO WANT.

You are not who you have been. You are not defined by what you have done or what has happened to you. The more responsibility you are willing to take for where you’ve been, the more you regain the ability to decide where you go next!

IF WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS NOT WORKING, IT’S TIME TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT!

You Know. You’ve Always Known

 

To share your thoughts, comments, personal story email jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

Jenny xx

 

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COPING WITH LOSS

The dictionary describes grief as sadness, anguish, heartache, regret, remorse, sorrow and suffering.

Grief is everyone single one of these words and I think it needs all of these words to illustrate the extend of what it is to experience.

Grief is one of the key emotions that women going through divorce and loss experience and takes a considerable amount of time to move through.

It may seem strange that the function of grief is to heal.

Sorrow can make you feel as though you are being torn apart, cell from little tiny cell.

People who follow grief through its whole course emerge stronger and healthier, more able to cope with the inevitable losses that affect every human life.

In the end they become sources of wisdom and compassion for themselves and everyone around them.

Sorrow is heavy, hard work.
It stalls all your systems in order to force you toward a very, very painful task, coping with loss.  And loss always lies at the root of grief.  Every time you lose something you hold dear, you must grieve, and every time you feel grief-stricken you can be sure you have lost something dear.  We are stunned and devastated by things like separation, aging and death as though these aren’t the very constants sure to affect every single one of us.

Whatever the reason, loss is hard for us and healing from it takes a lot of energy.  Grief pushes us into ‘deep rest’ weighing down our muscles, wringing tears from our eyes and sobs from our bellies.  It isn’t pretty but it is natures way.

Our deepest grief is reserved for things that have no acceptable substitutes: loved ones, relationships, health, hopes and dreams.  Trying to replace someone special to you, or something you once were is actually useless. There is nothing to do but mourn and the pain will disappear a whole lot faster if you lean into it.

1. Find Or Make a Safe Place to Grieve
At a bare minimum you have to have a safe place for mourning, privacy and quiet.  Maybe wrapping yourself in a blanket, have a pen and paper at hand to express your feelings in writing.  Some good old sad songs are also useful.  Any song that helps you cry will access your grief, move it through you and help you release it.

2. Reserve Time to Grieve
Sadness slows you down, give yourself more time than you think to finish tasks like cleaning your house or finishing projects.  The more love and support you give yourself, and get from others, the more energy you will have for the tasks of everyday life.

3. Maximise Comforting Activities
This means doing things that gladden your heart. Walking along the beach or in nature, listening to music, enjoying your children or your pets, whatever works best for you.

One of the Four Noble Truths taught by the Buddha was that any permanence we perceive, in ourselves or the world around us, is an illusion.
Clinging to that illusion, trying to force things to stay as they are, leads inevitably to suffering.  Accepting impermanence means embracing the world as it is, complete with loss.  Refusing to accept change doesn’t mean that the pain of losing something you love will never start, it only means that the pain will never stop.  As they say in coaching, the only way out is through.

    • Losing the illusion of permanence means that you will accept your losses.
    • It means that you will become well acquainted with sorrow.
    • It also means that you will realise the infinite sources of healing and joy that are available to an open heart.
    • People who don’t resist grief, who let if flow through them, come out more resilient on the other side.
    • They are less afraid of loss, more able to soften the pain of those around them and quicker to appreciate whatever happiness life brings.
    • Ironically, it is those who have accepted the most terrible grief who are capable of the greatest joy.

Thank you to ‘Martha Beck’ for permission to use some content from her book ‘Finding Your Own North Star’.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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IS YOUR SENSE OF SELF-WORTH INTACT?

Self-worth!

The reason I wanted to address this topic is because I see so many women bashing themselves up about not being enough …… and ‘enough’ is another whole discussion topic.

As I began to write this blog it caused me to stop and really think about what this word means to me.

This of course led to to think about the times in my life when my self-worth was feeling a bit battered and bruised?

  • When a boy I really really liked wasn’t remotely interested in me.
  • When I hit a rough patch trying to cope with small children and felt totally inadequate as a mother.
  • When I didn’t / don’t achieve some goals I had set for myself.
  • When I failed miserably because of some financial decisions I made
  • When I was dumped by a guy I really cared about for a much younger woman
  • Times when I held my tongue instead of speaking up for what I believed in
  • Times when I let someone else control my life to some degree to avoid confrontation
  • Times when I questioned my ability as a coach (the not good enough syndrome!)

In total contrast to the previous comments I believe that I have always had a strong underlying sense of my own self-worth!

  • A very strong belief that I deserve to have the best that life has to offer
  • That I have a voice and a message to share with the world
  • That I attract only the very best people and things into my world
  • That I am enough!

As I look back over my list of battered and bruised self-worth issues the only difference in the two examples are that I thought I wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, young enough, strong enough, educated enough, rich enough.

SELF WORTH COMES FROM ONE THING – THINKING THAT YOU ARE WORTHY.  Wayne Dyer

I BELIEVE THAT ALL SELF WORTH ISSUES ARE THOUGHTS ABOUT NOT BEING ENOUGH!

THEY ARE NOT REAL, THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS AND THEY CAN TAKE CONTROL OF OUR LIVES IF WE LET THEM.

Take particular notice of the times when these little thoughts come invading your head space, take some time to observe what is behind them, what meaning you are making of them – and then turn them around and give them a much more empowering meaning.  Ones that makes you feel great about yourself and your life!

DO YOU HAVE AN INSIGHTS TO SHARE?

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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SEX WITH THE EX!

Sex with the ex?

Yes or No?

Have you thought about it?

Have you done it?

If so, how did you feel afterwards?

This is an example of a scenario I see played out from time to time.

This is not a one sided situation, sometimes it is the woman who makes the first move.

For the purposes of making a point here I am using the ex husband or partner.

It can go something like this.

A woman’s husband or ex partner and possibly the father of her children decides, for whatever reason, that he no longer wants to continue this relationship.  He’s calling it quits.

The women is devastated!  Sure there are things that were far from perfect in the relationship. Like most relationships just dealing with parenting, work/life balance, financial stresses and any number of life challenging events that come our way puts a great strain on relationships.  And deep down we know we could be putting in more effort, the bedroom is now where you go to watch TV and sleep – not much else going on in there. And there is often a little niggling thought that pops into our minds that we just push to one side.  A little warning that we really should stop and sit down and have a long meaningful conversation with our partner – the phone rings, interrupts your thoughts and the cycle continues.

Then one day the bomb drops!  In spite of those thoughts of making more effort and knowing that things were far from ideal, it sends you into a tailspin, and life as you once knew it will never be the same again.

He moves out or you move out and you begin to live your lives separately.

It’s tough, you are still struggling to come to terms with having to do everything on your own. You are lonely, he seems to be out there having a good time, seeing other women and you think your life sucks.  And an occasion to get dressed up and do something a little bit special, well it’s been awhile. You do have good days and look forward to more of these.

Then out of the blue he calls around to check in with you to make sure you are OK.  He suggests you both go out to dinner just for old times sake.  Of course you are happy to have some company other than your own or your kids, a reason to get dressed up so you agree.

You have a nice time together, he’s attentive, the conversations is flowing nicely, he drives you home and suggests he comes in for a drink. One thing leads to another, things begin to get a bit ‘hot’ and you end up in bed together.

The next day he’s gone, you are left wondering what the hell happened and you feel like you have just taken a giant leap backwards.  You begin to create wistful stories in your mind about getting back together, giving it another go, how different it would be this time and then comes the flip side as you begin beating yourself up about how stupid you were, all he wanted was sex and I was the easiest way to get it.   Stop right there!  If what happened has left you feeling bad about yourself there is a lesson here for you.

This is a perfect opportunity to use this situation to put some boundaries around your relationship, not just with him, but with any future boyfriends or partners.

You can turn this into a very powerful step forward in taking control of your life.

Stand back and look at what happened, objectively. As if you are looking down at the two of you from a higher perspective. The idea is to take the emotional sting out of the situation.  Look at the role you played in this little episode, look at the role he played. Identify how it has made you feel about yourself.  Be aware of the thoughts that were running through your mind at the time.

What would be the very first step you would take when and if this situation arises again?
Look at what resources, internal and external, you could have used to prevent this happening.
What boundaries you will put around all your interactions with your ex from here on?
Then run a little movie in your mind and see how differently it plays out and take particular notice of how much stronger and more powerful you feel.

These events or circumstances are not right or wrong.

Learn the lesson, change what you would do in a similar situation and get on with taking a little step every day towards creating a life you love.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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TIPS FROM STEPHEN COVEY

Following on from the previous post Stephen Covey today we are talking all about the Six Major Deposits.

Understanding the Individual
Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit.  What might be a deposit for you – going for a walk to talk things over might not be perceived by someone else as a deposit at all.   U
nderstand them deeply as individuals, the way you would want to be understood and then to treat them in terms of that understanding.

Attending to the Little Things
The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important.  Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals.  In relationships, the big things are the little things.

Keeping Commitments
Keeping commitments or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal.  In fact, there’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone and then not to come through.

Clarifying Expectations
Unclear expectations in the area of goals also undermine communication and trust.  The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.  Clarifying expectations sometimes takes a great deal of courage.  It seems easier to act as though differences don’t exist and to hope things work out than it is to face the differences and work together to arrive at a mutually agreeable set of expectations.

Showing Personal Integrity
Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty.
Honesty is telling the truth – in other words, conforming our words to reality.  Integrity is conforming reality to our words – in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.  This requires an integrated character, a oneness, primarily with self but also with life.  If you treat everyone by the same set of principles people will come to trust you.  However they may not at first appreciate the honest confrontational experiences such integrity might generate.  It is said that to be trusted is greater than to be loved.  In the long run, I am convinced, to be trusted will be also to be loved.

Apologising Sincerely When You Make A Withdrawal
It takes a great deal of character strength to apologise quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity.
A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologise.

Leo Roskin taught, “It is the weak who are cruel. Softness can only be expected from the strong.”

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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