FIRST THINGS FIRST!

A break up can become a real crisis for most people, the pain is very intense and when I think about myself at that time I knew I was ‘out of control.’

I have heard it described as a death and I think that can be how it feels for many of us, whether you had the rug pulled out from under you or you were the one who decided you wanted out, it is the end of life as you once knew it.

Everyone has different coping strategies, some useful ones and some bordering on self-destruction, depending on how you feel about yourself. The tough part of this phase is that there are so many things being forced upon us. Decisions that have to be made – some really big decisions that have a very strong emotional charge and we are often not in the best state to be making these decisions.

Things like selling the family home, trying to put on a brave face for our kids and immediate families who are feeling their own sense of loss, realizing that from here on in we are financially on our own, and often seeing your partner moving on happily to create a new life with ‘someone’ else.

It is very important to spend time with people who will support you and be there for you.  If you feel like having a good cry, let it come, this is all part of the grieving process and the sooner you accept your feelings, the anger, the hatred, the fear, the regret, the sadness, the guilt and the loss, the sooner you go through this,the faster you will be able to move on.

  • Find help from a professional, a counselor or a coach is a good place to start, someone you feel totally at ease with and comfortable to talk to about everything that is going on for you.
  • This is your journey – there will be lots of people giving you ‘good’ advice on what you SHOULD do.  From your mother and girlfriends to everyone else you come into contact with – they may mean well but they are not you, they are not feeling what you are feeling or thinking what you are thinking.  Trust yourself to do what is right for you.
  • Conversely spend as much time as possible with the people who are fun to hang out with, positive confident people who will encourage you to try new activities, take good care of yourself, getting out walking or running, going to yoga or whatever feels right for you.  Moving the body is one of the best things you can do to clear your thinking and reduce the stress levels.
  • Be mindful of the internal dialogue – that gremlin that can take over our thoughts and lead us down the rabbit hole – notice it happening as quickly as you can before it takes over …  and STOP IT!

In time you will see the end of your relationship as an opportunity to learn so much about yourself, begin to think about what sort of future you want to create and most importantly getting back in touch with who you are and remembering those dreams you once had that got buried under all the day to day living on automatic pilot.  You will also discover just how strong you really are, and with the right mindset you really can be, do and have whatever you want.

For now, take one day at a time.  Each day may bring up new and different emotions, questions and decisions, just taking one step forward at a time doing the best you can.

For every tough experience life sends our way there are always good times to follow.  I will always remember this little phrase that I used, sometimes every single day, whenever life was really testing me.  “This too will pass,” and it always did.

When the dust has settled, life will return to some sort of ‘new normal’ and you may find yourself starting to think about your new life. Wondering what it will be like and perhaps, ready to do things you have only ever dreamed about in your previous life. If it’s time for you to put all your dreams on the table then reach out to some you connect with and trust who will share your journey and support you in bringing your dreams to life.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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THOUGHTS & FEELINGS

ME & MICHAEL NEILL TALKING ABOUT THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

The Secret of Emotional Wellbeing.

Every emotion you experience is a direct response to a thought, not to the world around you.

Many people really struggle with that statement. What came up for you when you read it?

The more clearly you see that your emotions are always reactions to your thoughts, not to the world, the easier it is to simply feel them and let them go.  And the gift of that insight is that you stop needing to change the world in order to change the way you feel.

There’s No Such Thing as a “Bad Day”

At our best we all handle life remarkably well. We know what to do and tend to do it when it needs to be done.  We follow our common sense and our wisdom and just naturally make the best decisions we can based on the information we have.  But unfortunately we don’t always live life at our best.  In fact, for many people the times spent in the comfort and care of their own wisdom and well-being seem far too few and far between.

What begins to give you control of this process, turning you from an apparent victim of circumstances back into the creator that you truly are?

Here’s a corollary to the secret of emotional well-being.

Your day doesn’t create your mood; your mood creates your day.

When your mood is low, the world looks bleak; when your mood is high you feel as if you can take over the world. The difference is as always, not in the world, but inside you.  And a deeper understanding of how it’s being created will give you a whole lot more options about what to do about it.

I am sure you have all been told, or told yourself, especially when life seems to be dealing you one blow after another, “just think positive.”  And since your emotions are a direct response to your thoughts logic suggests that the only thing that will change them is to change your thoughts.

So why not just think positive thoughts all day long, carefully weeding out all the negative thoughts until your garden of positivity is lush and you can live happily every after?

When we try too hard to monitor the activity inside our heads it all goes swimmingly until one thought gets by and then everything goes to hell.

I’m going to be late, I just know I’m going to be late, I shouldn’t have eaten that extra piece of cake last night, I’m such a fat disgusting slob, no wonder no will ever find me attractive, why is this always the way?  If only I had more willpower, I’m definitely going on that diet tomorrow, but what’s the point, I never stick to anything, I’m such a loser… I need more cake! boy, he’s gorgeous I wonder what it would be like to be with someone like that, I bet it would be wonderful, I have so much love inside me – it feels really good, but no one will ever know because I’m all alone, what was the name of that song I heard on the radio last night, oh no, I’m going to be late…..

Yet our thoughts are simply internal conversations and mental movies that have no power to impact our lives until we charge them up by deciding they are important and real.  And if we ’empower’ the wrong thoughts, making our negative fantasies seem more realistic than our external reality, it’s like boarding a train to a destination we have no desire to actually reach.  That’s why the important thing to realise about your thinking, particularly your ‘unhappy’ thinking, is this:

It’s almost never the 1st thought that hurts – it’s the 5th, or 50th, or even 500th that inevitably comes when you follow a negative train of thought on its rambling journey to destinations unknown.

So which thoughts should we engage in and which ones should we let go?

The answer lies not in our thoughts but in our feelings.
When you’re feeling good, happy, loving, comfortable, easy, that means that your thinking is healthy and will probably take you in positive directions.  When you’re feeling bad, angry, frustrated, stressed-out, uncomfortable, chances are that your thinking is unproductive.  This gives us a remarkably reliable way of navigating through to our own wisdom.   You can actually use your feelings as a sort of early warning system.

Now I am sure I am not telling you anything here that you are not already aware of here, some days from the moment we wake up and it just seems like the whole day is going to shit, the problem is that most of us are not aware that we can choose not to act on our thinking when we are feeling low.

I remember some pretty tough times in my life when I would wake up feeling really flat and within an hour of getting up it seemed like everything in my life was just plain wrong. The car wouldn’t start and I would be late for work, another bill would arrive in the mail, the dress I was going to wear to work was too tight and so on.

Then I made the decision to change this and I would physically take myself back to bed for about 10 minutes, get up again, get dressed having made the decision that my day was going to be great.  Once I had that down pat I got to the point where my awareness of my thoughts kicked in from the minute I opened my eyes and if they weren’t taking me to a great place I started to turn them around and instantly my day changed.  Now, I not saying that everything throughout the day was rosy, it is just that the things that were ‘not so great’ didn’t have the same emotional sting and my thinking became much more solution focused rather than problem focused.

Thoughtspotting!

During the day, if you notice yourself feeling down or a bit worried or unsettled, see if you can spot the thought behind the feeling.  As soon as you have spotted it, let it go.

Remember to take a moment to carefully examine your internal dialogue. You  do have the power to control your thoughts and your feelings, as with everything we want to get really good at, it takes practice.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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DOES FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT BLOCK YOUR ENTHUSIASM?

Does fear of disappointment block your enthusiasm?

I recently read an article written by Mandy Evans about disappointment stopping you from doing the things you say you want to do.

It’s a very, very common thing. I hear people come up with all the reasons why something they want will never happen and then allowing that to literally stop them from even giving it a go.

Mandy asks – Does it keep you from daring to dream?
Or allowing people to share your excited anticipation of a new adventure?

Active, happy desire will motivate you more strongly than any should’s or ought to’s you can muster up.

What does active, happy desire feel like? It’s that “Oh yes! That! Gimme some of that!” feeling.

It fills you with exuberance and a strong tendency to roll up your sleeves and get to work moving toward what you want or finding a way to attract it to you.
You can feel the fizz of energy generating. When that energy radiates out into the universe the we often call the results miracles.

What does happy desire look like?

Have you ever seen someone light up with a new idea or possibility? It’s visible, discernible.

In my coaching work it’s the look that tells me we’ve had a breakout. Fear of happily experiencing desire is really common. Some of the hidden beliefs that fuel the fear run along lines like this:

If I get excited and it doesn’t work out, I’ll feel like a fool.
If I don’t let myself want it too much, it won’t hurt so much if I don’t get it.
If I get my hopes up, I’ll be too disappointed.

Could anything be more self-defeating? Talk about driving with one foot on the brake, 4 flat tires, and out of gas.

We do it to protect ourselves and it does not work because: Every moment of happiness you squelch is a moment of happiness you will never experience.
Disappointment isn’t so bad. It comes and goes.

Do not add shame and embarrassment for having dared to dream. That is another painful, doomed strategy.
Denying your desire does not avoid disappointment; it makes it more likely.
Hiding your desire blocks the eager support of those who wish you well and may want to help you.
Every time you conjure up that idea about the disappointment you want to avoid, you feel it.
Like the poor coward who dies a thousand deaths, you fill your life with small doses of disappointment.

The common antidote only adds brake fluid to the brakes. If your odds of success are uncertain, trying to believe you will succeed doesn’t work too well.
Often, the truth is that you don’t know. The good news is that you do not need to know the outcome in order to move you down the path. You just have to be open to new information and correct your course as it becomes available. You do not have to crush your eagerness. Just add risk assessment into the equation when you make choices about what actions you want to take or pass up.

If you remain open to learning more as you allow your desire to mark your path you will be flexible. Some things will become less desirable as you discover more about them. Other possibilities will attract you even more strongly.

Only one caution comes to mind: be discerning about what you share with whom.
Pay attention to which people will nurture your dreams and who may shoot them down.
The next time you light up with active, happy desire let it be! Don’t spin it. Don’t squelch it. Let it grow! Let it lead you to new adventures — happily.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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THE SIMPLE WAY TO MAKE DECISIONS

This post contains a mix of brilliant content from the writings of Michael Neill and a little bit of me.

This guy is an amazing transformation coach and has been called the finest success coach in the world today.

In theory, making decisions should be one of the easiest things in the world for us to do.  After all, we either want to do something or we don’t.  On those rare occasions when we’re not sure, it doesn’t really matter.  We can make whatever decision we want, or even flip a coin, knowing that we can change our minds afterward if what we thought we wanted turns out not to be all it was cracked up to be.

Why is decision making so difficult so much of the time?

Mostly because we get caught up in our thoughts that the decision matters and that in some way we could or should know in advance how things will turn out. But what if we couldn’t make a mistake?  What if whatever you decided always turned out to be the best thing, given the range of choices and information you had available to you at that moment?

The secret of effective decision making is simply this:

What you decide will never impact your life as much as how you handle the consequences of that decision.

In other words, marrying the wrong person is just a mistake;
staying married to them for the next 25 years and being miserable about it is a bad decision.
Getting tipsy and embarrassing yourself in front of that hottie from the office might be a mistake; letting it define you as a loser, a drunk or someone not fit for human society would be a bad decision.

What makes for good decisions is what executive supercoach John LaValle calls “good brain juice.” The clarity in your mind that comes from having good feelings going on inside your body. What can make things easier is recognising that no matter what you decide, you can almost always change your mind.

The simple truth is we are designed in such a way that our unconscious programming drives our behaviour.  When our “rational” thinking mind steps in, it’s more often to justify our actions than it is to steer the ship. 

When we are willing to simply trust ourselves and follow our instinct without filling in gaps in our memories with fabrications that we believe to be facts or a series or really good reasons for what we’ve decided we have a gentle rule of thumb for making decisions with impunity.

The number of reasons you have to do something is inversely proportional to how much you actually want to do it.

Since our reasons can’t be trusted the only real basis for making a decision is this:

Do you want to?

Navigating by desire means you base your decisions about what to do or not do on the questions, “Do I want to?” If the answer is ‘yes’ you do your best to move forward; if the answer is ‘no’, you do your best to stay put.

Navigating by mood, on the other hand, is when you attempt to base your decision on the answer to the question, “Do I feel like it?”  If you don’t feel like doing something, you put it off until later, if you do feel like it, you move forward.  Since our moods are often tied up in old habits and patterns of thinking following them tends to just create more of the ‘same old, same old’ in our lives.  Somehow we just don’t get around to making those changes we know we’d love to make and things that seem as though they’ll take too much effort are put off until the last minute or aren’t done at all.

Wanting however is a living, breathing, fluid process.  Each time you do what you want (or don’t do what you don’t want), your actions seem effortless and it becomes easier and easier to read and follow your inner compass.  Life gets a lot simpler and the pursuit of success becomes a lot more fun.

Finally, The Wisdom of Common Sense

Common sense, innate wisdom approach to life is nearly always available to us, but we spend so much of our time caught up in the whirlwind of our thoughts that we don’t notice it.  And even when we do notice it, we’ll often ignore it, hoping that our intellect can find a different answer more in keeping with what we hope will turn out to be true.

For example: Nearly every woman I’ve talked to who has come out the other side of a bad marriage has told me that she knew not to marry the guy at some point before getting far enough down the aisle to say “I do.”

  • Wisdom is ever present and always kind
  • Wisdom is sometimes soft but always clear
  • Wisdom comes most often in the midst of inner quiet
  • Wisdom feels right, even if it doesn’t always feel good
  • Wisdom often comes disguised as “common sense” but in reality is extremely uncommon in usage.

Your wisdom is right there inside you, just waiting for you to allow it to guide you.

You need only be quiet and listen – when you relax into it, you’ll almost always know what to do.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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